Pancakes, Mary-style

You will need:
flour
eggs
milk
oil

Preferred toppings: I like sugar, cinnamon and lemon juice.

long-suffering assistant (Evilstevie)

Reassure long-suffering assistant that the washing up won't need doing before this meal. Measure out about six ounces of flour and dump it into a bowl. Add a little pinch of salt. Make a little hollow in the middle of the flour, and crack two eggs into it.

Take two phone calls from people whose calls you consider "important". Completely lose track of what you are doing. Make sure the long-suffering assistant has no idea how long you are going to be on the phone and thus remains unsure what sort of thing he should be doing to amuse himself.

Phone calls dealt with, attempt to whisk the eggs and flour.

It will take just under ten seconds for you to realise that this was an extremely bad idea and that the eggs and flour should in fact be mixed by hand with a fork or spoon. You may wish to practice some inventive swearwords for this stage.

Try to improve this situation by adding a little bit of milk. Realise you are getting nowhere fast. Use a teaspoon to scrape the worst of the mess off the whisk and add about a quarter of a pint of milk. Bash the not-turned-on whisk against the milk and mess until it's a little bit more like thick batter. Breathe sigh of relief that things are back on track.

Retrieve long-suffering assistant from behind the doorframe, where he has been trying to listen in to make sure you are not in difficulties, while not getting in the way of batter-related WRATH.

Add a smidge and a gnat's of milk, until the whisk moves through the batter without lumpiness or stickiness. Whisk it until your arm gets tired, then stop and have a nice sit-down while the mixture settles.

After your sit-down, add another quarter of a pint of milk and whisk again (serious note: letting it settle before adding the second half of the milk is a genuine tip that I think makes the pancakes better). It'll be easier now the mixture is thinner. Tell long-suffering assistant that it is time to fish out the frying pan.

Do NOT decapitate long-suffering assistant for pointing out that your preferred pancake-flippy tool needs washing up. This would make it more difficult for him to actually do the washing up.

Heat a little oil in the pan over a medium heat. Using the ladle, pour some batter into the pan and swirl it a little to spread it thinly and evenly over the surface of the pan.

Insist that only boring people make round pancakes.

When pancake is lightly browned on one side, flip it over with the now-clean pancake-flippy tool. Watch as large bubbles form in your pancake. Realise you used self-raising flour. Insist this makes them "light and airy" while smacking the bubbles into submission with the flippy tool.

Slip pancake onto plate. Offer flippy tool and in-front-of-hob perching stool to long-suffering assistant "so you can make your ones whatever shape you want."

Add enough sugar, cinnamon and lemon juice to your own freshly cooked pancake so that none of the above matters any more.

Repeat these five stages until there is no remaining batter.