Once again, the excellent Goldfish is hosting Blogging Against Disablism Day on May 1st 2009.
This will be the fourth year running for BADD (see archives of 2006, 2007, and 2008) and the second year I am participating. Well, I say second. My 2008 post is here. Technically I was around for 2007 but I wasn't in a fit state to write anything, and that could happen again, we'll see (currently I am drafting posts and then deciding they're rubbish, it'll be a minor miracle if I even publish this BADD reminder). Of course if anybody wanted to suggest a particular topic or news story for me to pull to bits, get me started, that might help. But better yet would be writing your own post and joining in - you don't have to be disabled and it's fun to be a part of the whole shebang.
Monday, April 13, 2009
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8 comments:
hi mary--
have been reading your blog for a bit, & this is sort of a response to your wanting to have a kid with steve.
it makes me sad to read your struggles, but i would beg you to leave that idea (or even adoption or fostering behind.)
how on earth could you take care of a child when you spend most of your time seriously broken? you seem like a lovely person & to put a child in that position would be cruel no matter how much you craved being a mommy.
please be careful, stay on birth control & accept that your fate is to not be able to go down a maternal road.
best to you. sandy
Congratulations Sandy, you have just made what is quite possibly THE most offensive comment I have ever had on this blog.
That would probably upset the trolls I've had over the years who have given it their best efforts with "&%^£ off and die", "useless whinging &$^*", "people like you are a waste of oxygen" and so on. The difference is that they were expressing extreme views with the intention of trying to upset me, whereas I regretfully suspect that you genuinely believe the bigoted tripe you have just posted, and worse, think you are doing me some sort of a favour by sharing your Wisdom.
I'm not going to bother explaining the ins and outs of disabled parenthood because I doubt it'll make any difference to your beliefs. If you are interested, there's all sorts of disabled parents' messageboards out there which discuss the issue in great depth.
What I will ask of you is that you please have enough respect, for me and for Steve, to recognise that we are intelligent enough to make our own responsible decisions about our life together. We know what we are capable of, and we know what support is available to us, both formally and informally. We have thought about and discussed many of the issues we would encounter and the possible solutions to those issues. How dare you assume otherwise?
We are not so stupid as to produce a child on the basis of hoping it'll work out somehow - you will notice we have not already had a kid. And when we do get to it, it will not, repeat, NOT be because I "craved being a mommy". Anyone, disabled or otherwise, who thinks that's a good reason to have a child should be shot on sight.
Please accept my humblest apologies if you were actually trying to be ironic by making the most disablist post you could manage in response to my request for BADD topics.
I'm with Mary on this. I've known her for a long time and know she will never take a choice like this lightly and will always have the best interests of a child at the center of her choices. Therefore she is far more capable of being a parent than most parents who have "mistakes" or dont choose to be in that position. There are lots and lots of options for disabled people to have children and lots of support for the children and the parents. Mary is the sort of person to take only the best care and investigate all oportunities thoroughly. I know she would make a good parent disabled or not. Care of a child is not just about being "able" to do things for them. Its a life long commitment to being around and educating and supporting the child. Disabled people are just as capable of that as abled people. I fear more for people who crave a child and just go ahead for their own enjoyment. I know Mary will not do this.
Mary, thanks for promoting BADD. You've already responded to Sandy's comment so well but in case my support on this wasn't obvious:
(a) Unsolicited advice on reproductive choices is always dangerous territory, even with your closest friend.
(b) There are lots of things which make having a child difficult, but there are far worse things than chronic illness. Personally, I think Mary will be an excellent mother one day, if and when the time is right for her. Anyone who reads her blog knows that Mary is extremely conscientious about the decisions she takes and would never make a selfish decision about something so important.
Having a child when you have chronic illness is not cruel. There are far more important things to consider other than the health of one parent - but it is ultimately up to the prospective parents to consider them and make the decision for themselves.
I think a round of applause for Sandy is in order. I would join in, but my arms are "broken."
Mary,
I can't help feel that when you say:
"Of course if anybody wanted to suggest a particular topic or news story for me to pull to bits, get me started, that might help."
and then Sandy says...
"how on earth could you take care of a child when you spend most of your time seriously broken?"
...that you've got your disablism topic handed to you on a plate. Disablism in parenting, and attitudes to it. Nauseating as Sandy's comment is, at least you now have something to write about... :-)
...and I for one am looking forward to reading it.
Goodness, Sandy, what do you think happens to all the vast numbers of babies and children looked after by nannies, childminders and nurseries? They grow up to be perfectly normal people. Why should it be any different if their mother needs help from PAs?
So long as a child has love, it doesn't matter who changes its nappies or who cooks its tea.
PS - the hug counter still isn't working.
Aww... we can has no kids?
*requires further evidence from sandy re:colour of sky on his/her/its planet*
if your argument had been along the lines of "oh dear 'deity of choice' we don't need any more evilstevies around" you might have got away with your comments a bit better.
Thanks for the supportive comments, all :)
evilstevie
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