The wedding looms ever closer. The craft-project chaos of my lounge is gradually turning into stacks of boxes with neat little contents-lists stuck to them, Evilstevie has confirmed his time off work, and really, everything's on track.
I keep telling myself, and anyone who has a tizzy at me, that the venue is booked and paid for, the registrar is booked and paid for, and we have the rings - therefore a wedding will take place. Everything else is fluff.
But fluff is fun, and today's fluff is the guestbook.
The guestbook isn't really a book. We're doing it in the form of lots of luggage labels, which our guests can write on or otherwise decorate as they see fit, and pin to a line at the reception.
I'd quite like to pre-populate the line, to get the ball rolling. So here's my idea. If any blog readers who aren't coming to the wedding would like to add a message to our wedding guestbook, then pop it in the comments, or email me, and I will be able to print it out and stick it to a label.
I know to new readers this may sound a bit "internet! validate me!" - no. If you don't feel you know us, or you've nothing to say, then there's no need to say anything. It just felt a little bit strange not to include the online side of our lives in our wedding day.
Showing posts with label engagement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label engagement. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Saturday, May 07, 2011
Peeling petals
Gazing down the final straight towards w-day.
I was a bit panicky over the bank holidays - not about the getting married bit, just about the co-ordinating the wedding bit. I don't think the fuss and drama around the Royal wedding helped at all. I mean, on the one hand, I don't have to try and decorate the entirety of Westminster Abbey with actual real-life still-growing trees, on the other hand, I would love to have access to start decorating the venue a week beforehand and a couple of dozen helpers in hi-viz jackets.
Anyway. Since then, we've settled a lot of the accounts that we had so far only paid deposits on, and we've checked and re-checked the budget to make sure that we definitely have all the money we need for the few on-the-day costs, and having that all sorted out makes both of us feel a lot better. Wedding Zen is returning, and the to-do list is down to chasing the last handful of RSVPs and finishing off a few details.
One of these details is the petals. I had this absolutely terrific idea that a few petals might be a nice finishing touch to the room decoration. There are four options for this:
All things considered, I decided to go with paper petals. I ordered them from eBay - about £10 for about 1,000 of them. They're lovely - the colours are pretty, the quality is terrific, they're proper three-dimensional petal shapes, it's exactly the look I wanted.
The only thing I didn't realise, and I'm posting this as a warning to other brides, is that paper petals... well, I'm not sure if it's how they're dyed or how they're cut or shaped or packaged or stored, but the fact is that the fibres are ever so slightly stuck together. It's like when you spill a drink on a book, and then when it dries, the fibres of the pages are slightly stuck. You can pull them apart quite easily, but it also has to be done with care to avoid tearing, and one page at a time.
Or in this case, one petal at a time.
1,000 of the damn things. The box is full of little bags, and each little bag has five compressed stacks of about 80 petals each.
What makes it even more fun is that, once separated, 160 petals is more than enough to completely fill a 2.6l tupperware box. Can't squash them down, that would defeat the object of having bought these nice three-dimensional-shape petals. So they have to be reassembled into stacks, uniform enough to minimise storage space, but also loose enough to ensure that the paper fibres don't meld again.
I'm about three-quarters of the way through, but it is taking FOREVER.
I was a bit panicky over the bank holidays - not about the getting married bit, just about the co-ordinating the wedding bit. I don't think the fuss and drama around the Royal wedding helped at all. I mean, on the one hand, I don't have to try and decorate the entirety of Westminster Abbey with actual real-life still-growing trees, on the other hand, I would love to have access to start decorating the venue a week beforehand and a couple of dozen helpers in hi-viz jackets.
Anyway. Since then, we've settled a lot of the accounts that we had so far only paid deposits on, and we've checked and re-checked the budget to make sure that we definitely have all the money we need for the few on-the-day costs, and having that all sorted out makes both of us feel a lot better. Wedding Zen is returning, and the to-do list is down to chasing the last handful of RSVPs and finishing off a few details.
One of these details is the petals. I had this absolutely terrific idea that a few petals might be a nice finishing touch to the room decoration. There are four options for this:
- Real petals, fresh, ripped off the heads of actual flowers shortly before the ceremony begins. This option was rejected because no one's going to want to dirty their wedding clothes by ripping up flowers that morning, and also the venue might get unhappy about juicy fresh vegetation getting crushed underfoot and then being left to rot.
- Real petals, dried, basically pot pourri. This option was rejected because they look manky.
- Fake petals, fabric. Wild variations in quality and quite expensive. There was also the consideration that the petals may get blown outdoors and the venue have asked us to be sure to only use biodegradable confetti.
- Fake petals, paper. Again, wild variations in quality, but biodegradable and also a bit cheaper than fabric.
All things considered, I decided to go with paper petals. I ordered them from eBay - about £10 for about 1,000 of them. They're lovely - the colours are pretty, the quality is terrific, they're proper three-dimensional petal shapes, it's exactly the look I wanted.
The only thing I didn't realise, and I'm posting this as a warning to other brides, is that paper petals... well, I'm not sure if it's how they're dyed or how they're cut or shaped or packaged or stored, but the fact is that the fibres are ever so slightly stuck together. It's like when you spill a drink on a book, and then when it dries, the fibres of the pages are slightly stuck. You can pull them apart quite easily, but it also has to be done with care to avoid tearing, and one page at a time.
Or in this case, one petal at a time.
1,000 of the damn things. The box is full of little bags, and each little bag has five compressed stacks of about 80 petals each.
What makes it even more fun is that, once separated, 160 petals is more than enough to completely fill a 2.6l tupperware box. Can't squash them down, that would defeat the object of having bought these nice three-dimensional-shape petals. So they have to be reassembled into stacks, uniform enough to minimise storage space, but also loose enough to ensure that the paper fibres don't meld again.
I'm about three-quarters of the way through, but it is taking FOREVER.
Sunday, May 01, 2011
It is possible
Today is Blogging Against Disablism Day 2011, hosted once again at Diary Of A Goldfish - and many thanks to her for this.
Last year I was in the early stages of wedding planning, and meeting with barriers, discrimination and disablism every step of the way, so my post, It's Not Bridezilla To Want Access, detailed a few of the difficulties I was running up against.
This year... well, the wedding is this month and I can't really think about much else. So this is a short, wedding-focused post. You'll forgive me for not posting the exact date, time and location online until after the fact.
I am pleased to be able to report that we have, after a great deal of time and effort, managed to find sensible, flexible suppliers for everything we needed and wanted. The registrars have agreed that it's not necessary to ask us or our guests to stand during the ceremony. The venue rep has been awesome about communicating mainly via email as this is easiest for me. We went out of area and found a couple of accessible dress shops who eagerly helped me to try and find the perfect dress. A lovely family business who deal mainly with repairs and alterations to leather motorbike clothing have created me a beautiful pair of ivory wheelchair gloves with padded leather palms, that are both practical and feminine. A terrific Folksy seller has created our flowers, including an extremely custom corsage for me to wear on my wrist for the ceremony, that is also the perfect shape and size to adorn the controls for my wheelchair during the reception.
The triumph is bittersweet. I really do feel that I should have been able to expect businesses to be accessible. I feel that, in 2011, I should be able to make my decisions based on things like cost, quality, and attractiveness of product, rather than on which businesses were willing to have me as a customer.
All that aside though - I'm getting married. I'm disabled, I'm overweight, I have bad skin, small boobs, and terrible posture, I wear glasses, I have extremely low earning potential, and later this month I am marrying a man who was entirely uninterested in the amorous advances of at least two of the non-disabled guests attending. As a couple that faces disablism (because yes, it affects him too) every day of our lives, we have managed to put together what promises to be a wonderful, enjoyable, accessible wedding ceremony and a relaxed, personal reception party. I believe as a society we CAN get past disablism.
Last year I was in the early stages of wedding planning, and meeting with barriers, discrimination and disablism every step of the way, so my post, It's Not Bridezilla To Want Access, detailed a few of the difficulties I was running up against.
This year... well, the wedding is this month and I can't really think about much else. So this is a short, wedding-focused post. You'll forgive me for not posting the exact date, time and location online until after the fact.
I am pleased to be able to report that we have, after a great deal of time and effort, managed to find sensible, flexible suppliers for everything we needed and wanted. The registrars have agreed that it's not necessary to ask us or our guests to stand during the ceremony. The venue rep has been awesome about communicating mainly via email as this is easiest for me. We went out of area and found a couple of accessible dress shops who eagerly helped me to try and find the perfect dress. A lovely family business who deal mainly with repairs and alterations to leather motorbike clothing have created me a beautiful pair of ivory wheelchair gloves with padded leather palms, that are both practical and feminine. A terrific Folksy seller has created our flowers, including an extremely custom corsage for me to wear on my wrist for the ceremony, that is also the perfect shape and size to adorn the controls for my wheelchair during the reception.
The triumph is bittersweet. I really do feel that I should have been able to expect businesses to be accessible. I feel that, in 2011, I should be able to make my decisions based on things like cost, quality, and attractiveness of product, rather than on which businesses were willing to have me as a customer.
All that aside though - I'm getting married. I'm disabled, I'm overweight, I have bad skin, small boobs, and terrible posture, I wear glasses, I have extremely low earning potential, and later this month I am marrying a man who was entirely uninterested in the amorous advances of at least two of the non-disabled guests attending. As a couple that faces disablism (because yes, it affects him too) every day of our lives, we have managed to put together what promises to be a wonderful, enjoyable, accessible wedding ceremony and a relaxed, personal reception party. I believe as a society we CAN get past disablism.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Oh but it's easy!
Anyone who's ever so much as hovered on the fringes of wedding planning will have seen one of these articles. Shocking rise in the cost of the average wedding, picture of tasteless pink bride standing next to cake the size of a respectable starter home, reassurance that it doesn't have to be that way, followed by awesome photographs of a stunning wedding and reception that, according to the bride (I'm afraid it is usually the bride) involved, cost less than £500 and a marvellous day was had by all.
Great! you think, and start reading through for hints and tips. And then you start to realise that what she actually means is that the wedding expenses that were significant enough to be counted only cost her and her husband £500, and she either hasn't realised the cash value of other people's contributions, or she's choosing not to count them in a bid to gain moral high ground on the basis of frugality.
You realise that the wedding was conducted by Uncle John the vicar, who was able to waive all fees from venue hire to bell ringers, and jolly the Church Ladies into making that week's floral decorations in the preferred wedding colours.
You find that the dress (normal shop price: about £800) was made by the bride's ex-housemate who just happens to be a wedding dress designer/seamstress, that the fabulous cake (normal shop price: about £400) was donated by Auntie Linda who just happens to be a baker and decorator of wedding cakes, and that the food (normal shop price about £20 per head) is being provided free of charge by the groom's parents who just happen to own a catering business. A cousin who's on a hairdressing course, an uncle with a posh or classic car, and a friend-of-a-friend who's just setting up in the DJ business are optional.
You are told that "it's easy" to make your own invitations and place cards and so on for a modest outlay of about £50. Assuming, of course, that you have already invested several hundred pounds in a decent trimmer and a selection of corner punches, a proper craft knife and cutting board, a decent printer, endless accessories like glue dots, pritt stick, and backing card - and assuming that you possess a certain degree of design aptitude.
Next you discover that the amazing photos were taken by a professional. The fact that a decent professional photographer will often charge a three or even four-figure sum for shooting a wedding isn't mentioned - the photographer was either another person the couple just happened to know who owed them a massive favour, or he was hired by the families as a gift.
Yes, it turns out that the way to have a wonderful wedding on a budget is to be surrounded by generous, interested family and friends who are already (a) professionals in wedding-related industries, (b) incredibly creative, and/or (c) prepared to spend their own money so that you don't have to. Easy! Erm...
We're spending money on professionals to take care of certain aspects of our wedding. This is not a moral issue.
We're definitely looking forward to getting married, and to having the party with our nearest and dearest, but I think we'll also be glad to escape from the insane and contradictory world of wedding planning.
Great! you think, and start reading through for hints and tips. And then you start to realise that what she actually means is that the wedding expenses that were significant enough to be counted only cost her and her husband £500, and she either hasn't realised the cash value of other people's contributions, or she's choosing not to count them in a bid to gain moral high ground on the basis of frugality.
You realise that the wedding was conducted by Uncle John the vicar, who was able to waive all fees from venue hire to bell ringers, and jolly the Church Ladies into making that week's floral decorations in the preferred wedding colours.
You find that the dress (normal shop price: about £800) was made by the bride's ex-housemate who just happens to be a wedding dress designer/seamstress, that the fabulous cake (normal shop price: about £400) was donated by Auntie Linda who just happens to be a baker and decorator of wedding cakes, and that the food (normal shop price about £20 per head) is being provided free of charge by the groom's parents who just happen to own a catering business. A cousin who's on a hairdressing course, an uncle with a posh or classic car, and a friend-of-a-friend who's just setting up in the DJ business are optional.
You are told that "it's easy" to make your own invitations and place cards and so on for a modest outlay of about £50. Assuming, of course, that you have already invested several hundred pounds in a decent trimmer and a selection of corner punches, a proper craft knife and cutting board, a decent printer, endless accessories like glue dots, pritt stick, and backing card - and assuming that you possess a certain degree of design aptitude.
Next you discover that the amazing photos were taken by a professional. The fact that a decent professional photographer will often charge a three or even four-figure sum for shooting a wedding isn't mentioned - the photographer was either another person the couple just happened to know who owed them a massive favour, or he was hired by the families as a gift.
Yes, it turns out that the way to have a wonderful wedding on a budget is to be surrounded by generous, interested family and friends who are already (a) professionals in wedding-related industries, (b) incredibly creative, and/or (c) prepared to spend their own money so that you don't have to. Easy! Erm...
We're spending money on professionals to take care of certain aspects of our wedding. This is not a moral issue.
We're definitely looking forward to getting married, and to having the party with our nearest and dearest, but I think we'll also be glad to escape from the insane and contradictory world of wedding planning.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
slow progress
I was hoping to be able to bounce in here with a post saying that, after all the things which went wrong on Wednesday, everything was back on track and totally fluffy.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, that's not the case. But things are slowly and steadily turning back to positive.
On Thursday morning I got a lift to Shopmobility, who are the nearest vendors trained and approved to carry out work on e-motion wheels. They took the tyre off and showed me the state of the inner-tube (I felt quite embarrassed) and they've ordered in new ones for me. Several friends encouraged me to try bike shops, or order online and do my own inner-tube replacements, but I'm not that keen to invalidate the warranty and insurance just to see if I can save £2 or get it done a day sooner - besides, Shopmobility schemes are worth supporting. I should be whizzing around again some time next week.
A big thing that went well is that I managed to get some affordable coloured envelopes online (from Ideal Envelopes, if anyone's wondering). I ordered them late Wednesday night, they arrived on Friday morning. I spent much of Friday writing out addresses in my Very Best Good Handwriting, and by the time Steve and I went to bed, all but one of them (waiting on a new address) was stamped, sealed, and ready to go. There was a little pang of frustration when I remembered I couldn't just trundle out to the post office with Steve (he's hurt his back and can't push the manual wheelchair either) but instead we drove around to several different post offices until we found one with wobbling-distance parking outside. UK envelopes in the box, overseas envelopes weighed and stamped for airmail by the post office clerk, and then as we went back to the car, a Royal Mail van pulled up to collect. So hopefully soon we'll start getting RSVPs!
Meanwhile, friends on Twitter and on other forums have provided a number of balloon company recommendations, so I've been phoning and emailing to try and get more quotes, and have booked an appointment to see one company next week. Hopefully I'll get something sorted out fairly soon and then everything weddingy will be right back on schedule.
Unfortunately I'm having the sort of day where being a passenger on a drive to a post office this morning wore me right out for the day - I spent most of the afternoon asleep and I'm still in bed typing this. It is therefore with a slight feeling of shame and a huge amount of gratitude that I say thank you to the protesters who marched in London today, including several of the Where's The Benefit posse. I only hope that a difference can still be made. As DavidG put it:
People who voted for the Conservatives knew exactly what kind of ideology they were voting for and are probably very pleased about the cuts that are being made to services for poor people, disabled people, disadvantaged people, young people, and People Who Simply Aren't Our Sort Of People, but let's not pretend that Labour were or would be any better. Our political system is supposed to provide a formal means of opposition within the political system and I think the biggest motivating factor in all these protests is that meaningful opposition, carried out on our behalf by those who are supposed to represent us, is failing to take place as MPs scramble for a slice of the power pie and focus on relaxing the rules and increasing the spend on their own benefits.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, that's not the case. But things are slowly and steadily turning back to positive.
On Thursday morning I got a lift to Shopmobility, who are the nearest vendors trained and approved to carry out work on e-motion wheels. They took the tyre off and showed me the state of the inner-tube (I felt quite embarrassed) and they've ordered in new ones for me. Several friends encouraged me to try bike shops, or order online and do my own inner-tube replacements, but I'm not that keen to invalidate the warranty and insurance just to see if I can save £2 or get it done a day sooner - besides, Shopmobility schemes are worth supporting. I should be whizzing around again some time next week.
A big thing that went well is that I managed to get some affordable coloured envelopes online (from Ideal Envelopes, if anyone's wondering). I ordered them late Wednesday night, they arrived on Friday morning. I spent much of Friday writing out addresses in my Very Best Good Handwriting, and by the time Steve and I went to bed, all but one of them (waiting on a new address) was stamped, sealed, and ready to go. There was a little pang of frustration when I remembered I couldn't just trundle out to the post office with Steve (he's hurt his back and can't push the manual wheelchair either) but instead we drove around to several different post offices until we found one with wobbling-distance parking outside. UK envelopes in the box, overseas envelopes weighed and stamped for airmail by the post office clerk, and then as we went back to the car, a Royal Mail van pulled up to collect. So hopefully soon we'll start getting RSVPs!
Meanwhile, friends on Twitter and on other forums have provided a number of balloon company recommendations, so I've been phoning and emailing to try and get more quotes, and have booked an appointment to see one company next week. Hopefully I'll get something sorted out fairly soon and then everything weddingy will be right back on schedule.
Unfortunately I'm having the sort of day where being a passenger on a drive to a post office this morning wore me right out for the day - I spent most of the afternoon asleep and I'm still in bed typing this. It is therefore with a slight feeling of shame and a huge amount of gratitude that I say thank you to the protesters who marched in London today, including several of the Where's The Benefit posse. I only hope that a difference can still be made. As DavidG put it:
It’s quite simple, Mr. Milliband, we want an alternative strategy. If cuts must be made, we don’t want them to be targeted at those least able to bear them. And that is where the Labour Party is failing us. It was a Labour government that introduced ESA and ATOS screening, it was the Labour government that stood hand in hand with the Heil, the Scum and the Vexpress in demonising those of us on IB and ESA as fraudulent scroungers and under your leadership it is the Labour Party in opposition that is still supporting those policies.
People who voted for the Conservatives knew exactly what kind of ideology they were voting for and are probably very pleased about the cuts that are being made to services for poor people, disabled people, disadvantaged people, young people, and People Who Simply Aren't Our Sort Of People, but let's not pretend that Labour were or would be any better. Our political system is supposed to provide a formal means of opposition within the political system and I think the biggest motivating factor in all these protests is that meaningful opposition, carried out on our behalf by those who are supposed to represent us, is failing to take place as MPs scramble for a slice of the power pie and focus on relaxing the rules and increasing the spend on their own benefits.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Time is ticking
The wedding is less than three months away. I am oscillating between
(a) Everything is absolutely fine and well in hand. The venue and registrar are both completely booked and paid for so a wedding will definitely happen. Our families have had Save-The-Dates and some have booked hotel rooms so guests will be there even though the proper invitations haven't gone out yet. We have the rings, my dress, and his suit. The DIY projects are on schedule for completion within the next month. The vendors are all booked, deposits are placed, timescales are sensible, and this whole thing should come off without any difficulties at all.
and
(b) PANIC! TOO LITTLE TIME!! TOO MUCH STILL TO DO!!! EVER-DECREASING TIME UNTIL W-DAY!!!! HOW THE SHUDDERING F&%K ARE WE GOING TO GET EVERYTHING SORTED OUT BY THEN?!?!?!?!?!
(a) Everything is absolutely fine and well in hand. The venue and registrar are both completely booked and paid for so a wedding will definitely happen. Our families have had Save-The-Dates and some have booked hotel rooms so guests will be there even though the proper invitations haven't gone out yet. We have the rings, my dress, and his suit. The DIY projects are on schedule for completion within the next month. The vendors are all booked, deposits are placed, timescales are sensible, and this whole thing should come off without any difficulties at all.
and
(b) PANIC! TOO LITTLE TIME!! TOO MUCH STILL TO DO!!! EVER-DECREASING TIME UNTIL W-DAY!!!! HOW THE SHUDDERING F&%K ARE WE GOING TO GET EVERYTHING SORTED OUT BY THEN?!?!?!?!?!
Monday, February 14, 2011
DWQ Part 7
Part 7 of the Discworld Wedding Quotes project. This is the final instalment. It would include The Amazing Maurice if I had been able to find anything in there, but I couldn't, so we are simply rounding off with a short and sweet selection from Nanny Ogg's Cookbook.
“They say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, which just goes to show they're as confused about anatomy as they gen'rally are about everything else.”
“It is foresighted and useful for a young woman to become proficient in those arts which will keep a weak-willed man from straying. Learning to cook is also useful.”
“When I hear someone say that a husband cooks, I generally reckon it means he's got a recipe for something expensive and he does it twice a year. And then leaves the pans in the sink 'to soak'.”
On Courtship:
“It may come as a surprise that anyone needs any instructions about this, but even I was once a rather shy girl who had difficulty meeting young men. But it wore off by mid-morning when I realised what I was doing wrong.”
“We breed good men in Lancre, but I have to say sometimes they could do with a good ding around the lughole.”
“On long cold winter nights, when the young man may have come a long way, he is allowed to share a bed with the young lady, although both remain fully clothed and a bolster is put down the middle. However, since love traditionally laughs at locksmiths, it probably grins widely at a pillow full of feathers.”
"Lots of people have asked me for advice about this. They say, 'Mrs Ogg, can you just rely on there bein' a fight?' And, yes, you gen'rally can. My advice is to make sure the drink is strong enough and that people are seated right to make it happen quite soon. That way you've got it over with and can get on with things without that naggin' feelin' that something's wrong."
There we go. Thank you for reading, and I hope some brides and grooms to be find this series useful.
For me, the next step will be to shuffle these about in an Open Office Draw file, then print them out and try and do something pretty and papercrafty with them, so that they can be used as additional decorations.
Today is Valentine's Day. Steve and I have been engaged for a year and now have something less than 100 days to go until we tie the knot. We have the registrar, the venue, and the rings, so we definitely meet the basic criteria for a wedding - we even have the dress, the cake, and the full guest list complete with addresses. From here on in it should just be the frantic completion of dozens of DIY projects that seemed like a good idea when our Days Until count was still in three figures.
“They say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, which just goes to show they're as confused about anatomy as they gen'rally are about everything else.”
“It is foresighted and useful for a young woman to become proficient in those arts which will keep a weak-willed man from straying. Learning to cook is also useful.”
“When I hear someone say that a husband cooks, I generally reckon it means he's got a recipe for something expensive and he does it twice a year. And then leaves the pans in the sink 'to soak'.”
On Courtship:
“It may come as a surprise that anyone needs any instructions about this, but even I was once a rather shy girl who had difficulty meeting young men. But it wore off by mid-morning when I realised what I was doing wrong.”
“We breed good men in Lancre, but I have to say sometimes they could do with a good ding around the lughole.”
“On long cold winter nights, when the young man may have come a long way, he is allowed to share a bed with the young lady, although both remain fully clothed and a bolster is put down the middle. However, since love traditionally laughs at locksmiths, it probably grins widely at a pillow full of feathers.”
"Lots of people have asked me for advice about this. They say, 'Mrs Ogg, can you just rely on there bein' a fight?' And, yes, you gen'rally can. My advice is to make sure the drink is strong enough and that people are seated right to make it happen quite soon. That way you've got it over with and can get on with things without that naggin' feelin' that something's wrong."
There we go. Thank you for reading, and I hope some brides and grooms to be find this series useful.
For me, the next step will be to shuffle these about in an Open Office Draw file, then print them out and try and do something pretty and papercrafty with them, so that they can be used as additional decorations.
Today is Valentine's Day. Steve and I have been engaged for a year and now have something less than 100 days to go until we tie the knot. We have the registrar, the venue, and the rings, so we definitely meet the basic criteria for a wedding - we even have the dress, the cake, and the full guest list complete with addresses. From here on in it should just be the frantic completion of dozens of DIY projects that seemed like a good idea when our Days Until count was still in three figures.
Friday, February 11, 2011
DWQ Part 6
Part 6 of the Discworld Wedding Quotes project. This covers the Tiffany Aching books: The Wee Free Men, A Hat Full Of Sky, Wintersmith, and I Shall Wear Midnight.
The Wee Free Men
“She'd never really liked the book. It seemed to her that it tried to tell her what to do and what to think. Don't stray from the path, don't open that door, but hate the wicked witch because she is wicked. Oh, and believe that shoe size is a good way of choosing a wife.”
“'We've scrubbed up quite nice, ye ken,' Rob Anybody said. 'Some o' the lads actually had a bath in the dewpond, e'en though 'tis only May, and Big Yan washed under his arms for the first time ever, and Daft Wullie has picked ye a bonny bunch of flowers...'”
Neither Rob nor Tiffany want to get married, but custom dictates that they must be betrothed, and that the bride must name the day...
“Tiffany took a deep breath. 'At the end of the world is a great big mountain of granite rock a mile high,' she said. 'And every year, a tiny bird flies all the way to the rock and wipes its beak on it. Well, when the little bird has worn the mountain down to the size of a grain of sand... that's the day I'll marry you, Rob Anybody Feegle!'
Rob Anybody's terror turned to outright panic, but then he hesitated and, very slowly, started to grin.
'Aye, guid idea,' he said slowly. 'It doesnae do tae rush these things.'
'Absolutely,' said Tiffany.
'And that'd gi' us time tae sort oout the guest list an a' that,' the pictsie went on.
'That's right.'
'Plus there's a' that business wi' the wedding dress and buckets o' flowers and a' that kind of stuff,' said Rob Anybody, looking more cheerful by the second. 'That sort o' thing can tak' for ever, ye ken.'”
A Hat Full of Sky
“He hadn't been a husband for very long, but upon marriage men get a whole lot of extra senses bolted into their brain, and one is there to tell a man that he's suddenly neck deep in real trouble.”
“If there's one thing a Feegle likes more than a party, it's a bigger party, and if there's anything better than a bigger party, it's a bigger party with someone else paying for the drink.”
Wintersmith
“'Aye, but the boy willnae be interested in marryin',' said Slightly Mad Angus.
'He might be, one day,' said Billy Bigchin, who'd made a hobby of watching humans. 'Most bigjob men get married.'
'They do?' said a Feegle, in astonishment.
“Oh, aye.'
'They want to get married?'
'A lot o' them do, aye,' said Billy.
'So there's nae more boozin', stealin' an' fighting?'
'Hey, ah'm still allowed some boozin' an' stealin' an' fightin'!' said Rob Anybody.
'Aye, Rob, but we cannae help noticin' ye also have tae do the Explainin', too,' said Daft Wullie.”
“She'd sometimes wondered if she'd get married one day, but she was definite that now was too soon for 'one day'.”
“'This lad Roland who is not your young man,' said Nanny, when Tiffany had paused for breath. 'Thinking of marrying him, are you?'
Don't lie, the Third Thoughts insisted.
'I... well, your mind comes up with all kinds of things when you're not paying attention, doesn't it?' said Tiffany. 'It's not like thinking.'”
The Nac Mac Feegles are debating Romance...
“'So it is like how babbies are made?' said Daft Wullie.
'No, 'cos even beasties know that but only people know aboot Romancin',' said Rob. 'When a bull coo meets a lady coo he disnae have tae say, “My heart goes bang-bang-bang when I see your wee face,” 'cos it's kinda built in tae their heads. People have it more difficult. Romancin' is verrae important, ye ken. Basically it's a way the boy can get close to the girl wi'oot her attackin' him and scratchin' his eyes oot.'”
I Shall Wear Midnight
“Rob Anybody put a finger to his lips. 'Ah, weel, it can be a wee bit difficult with womenfolk arguing, ye ken. Keep right oot of it, if ye'll tak' ma advice as a married man. Any man who interferes in the arguin' of women is gonnae find both of them jumping up and doon on him in a matter o' seconds.'”
“'There's a reason for all the superstitions. The time around weddings and funerals is fraught with stress for all concerned, except in the case of the funeral, for the chief, as it were, player.'”
“'I hear that the lads came back from their stag night fun,' said Nanny, 'but it seems to me they've forgotten where they left the groom. I don't think he is going to go anywhere, though. They are pretty certain they took his trousers down and tied him to something.' She coughed. 'That's generally the usual procedure. Technically the best man is supposed to remember where, but they found him and he can't remember his own name.'”
On the word “buxom”...
“'Yes,' said the bride-to-be. 'I'm afraid I'm not, very, um, large in that department.'
'That would have been a bit unfortunate a couple of hundred years ago because the wedding service in those days required a bride to be buxom towards her husband.'
'I'd have had to push a cushion down my bodice!'
'Not really; it used to mean kind, understanding and obedient,' said Tiffany.
'Oh, I can do those,' said Letitia. 'At least, the first two,' she added with a grin.”
“Weddings can be quite similar to funerals in that, apart from the main players, when it's all over, people are never quite sure what they should be doing next, which is why they see if there is any wine left.”
The Wee Free Men
“She'd never really liked the book. It seemed to her that it tried to tell her what to do and what to think. Don't stray from the path, don't open that door, but hate the wicked witch because she is wicked. Oh, and believe that shoe size is a good way of choosing a wife.”
“'We've scrubbed up quite nice, ye ken,' Rob Anybody said. 'Some o' the lads actually had a bath in the dewpond, e'en though 'tis only May, and Big Yan washed under his arms for the first time ever, and Daft Wullie has picked ye a bonny bunch of flowers...'”
Neither Rob nor Tiffany want to get married, but custom dictates that they must be betrothed, and that the bride must name the day...
“Tiffany took a deep breath. 'At the end of the world is a great big mountain of granite rock a mile high,' she said. 'And every year, a tiny bird flies all the way to the rock and wipes its beak on it. Well, when the little bird has worn the mountain down to the size of a grain of sand... that's the day I'll marry you, Rob Anybody Feegle!'
Rob Anybody's terror turned to outright panic, but then he hesitated and, very slowly, started to grin.
'Aye, guid idea,' he said slowly. 'It doesnae do tae rush these things.'
'Absolutely,' said Tiffany.
'And that'd gi' us time tae sort oout the guest list an a' that,' the pictsie went on.
'That's right.'
'Plus there's a' that business wi' the wedding dress and buckets o' flowers and a' that kind of stuff,' said Rob Anybody, looking more cheerful by the second. 'That sort o' thing can tak' for ever, ye ken.'”
A Hat Full of Sky
“He hadn't been a husband for very long, but upon marriage men get a whole lot of extra senses bolted into their brain, and one is there to tell a man that he's suddenly neck deep in real trouble.”
“If there's one thing a Feegle likes more than a party, it's a bigger party, and if there's anything better than a bigger party, it's a bigger party with someone else paying for the drink.”
Wintersmith
“'Aye, but the boy willnae be interested in marryin',' said Slightly Mad Angus.
'He might be, one day,' said Billy Bigchin, who'd made a hobby of watching humans. 'Most bigjob men get married.'
'They do?' said a Feegle, in astonishment.
“Oh, aye.'
'They want to get married?'
'A lot o' them do, aye,' said Billy.
'So there's nae more boozin', stealin' an' fighting?'
'Hey, ah'm still allowed some boozin' an' stealin' an' fightin'!' said Rob Anybody.
'Aye, Rob, but we cannae help noticin' ye also have tae do the Explainin', too,' said Daft Wullie.”
“She'd sometimes wondered if she'd get married one day, but she was definite that now was too soon for 'one day'.”
“'This lad Roland who is not your young man,' said Nanny, when Tiffany had paused for breath. 'Thinking of marrying him, are you?'
Don't lie, the Third Thoughts insisted.
'I... well, your mind comes up with all kinds of things when you're not paying attention, doesn't it?' said Tiffany. 'It's not like thinking.'”
The Nac Mac Feegles are debating Romance...
“'So it is like how babbies are made?' said Daft Wullie.
'No, 'cos even beasties know that but only people know aboot Romancin',' said Rob. 'When a bull coo meets a lady coo he disnae have tae say, “My heart goes bang-bang-bang when I see your wee face,” 'cos it's kinda built in tae their heads. People have it more difficult. Romancin' is verrae important, ye ken. Basically it's a way the boy can get close to the girl wi'oot her attackin' him and scratchin' his eyes oot.'”
I Shall Wear Midnight
“Rob Anybody put a finger to his lips. 'Ah, weel, it can be a wee bit difficult with womenfolk arguing, ye ken. Keep right oot of it, if ye'll tak' ma advice as a married man. Any man who interferes in the arguin' of women is gonnae find both of them jumping up and doon on him in a matter o' seconds.'”
“'There's a reason for all the superstitions. The time around weddings and funerals is fraught with stress for all concerned, except in the case of the funeral, for the chief, as it were, player.'”
“'I hear that the lads came back from their stag night fun,' said Nanny, 'but it seems to me they've forgotten where they left the groom. I don't think he is going to go anywhere, though. They are pretty certain they took his trousers down and tied him to something.' She coughed. 'That's generally the usual procedure. Technically the best man is supposed to remember where, but they found him and he can't remember his own name.'”
On the word “buxom”...
“'Yes,' said the bride-to-be. 'I'm afraid I'm not, very, um, large in that department.'
'That would have been a bit unfortunate a couple of hundred years ago because the wedding service in those days required a bride to be buxom towards her husband.'
'I'd have had to push a cushion down my bodice!'
'Not really; it used to mean kind, understanding and obedient,' said Tiffany.
'Oh, I can do those,' said Letitia. 'At least, the first two,' she added with a grin.”
“Weddings can be quite similar to funerals in that, apart from the main players, when it's all over, people are never quite sure what they should be doing next, which is why they see if there is any wine left.”
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
DWQ Part 5
Part 5 of the Discworld Wedding Quotes project. This covers books 28 - 32 of the series: Monstrous Regiment, Going Postal, Thud!, Making Money, and Unseen Academicals. It also includes the graphic novel The Last Hero and the OOK! Ankh-Morpork Librarians' Award - Children's Winner Where's My Cow?
Monstrous Regiment
“His wife's long illness and Paul's long absence had taken a lot out of her father. Polly was glad some of it was being put back. The old ladies who spent their days glowering from their windows might spy and peeve and mumble, but they had been doing that for too long. No one listened any more.”
“'Sorry, what was that?' said Polly.
'Going to find my husband,' said Shufti, only a little bit louder.
'Oh, dear. How long had you been married?' said Polly, without thinking.
'...not married yet...' said Shufti, in a voice as tall as an ant.
Polly glanced down at the plumpness of Shufti. Oh, dear.”
“'There's a kind of beetle where she bites his head off right while he's exercisin' his conjugals, and that's what I call serious grief. On the other hand, from what I heard he carries on regardless, so maybe it's not the same for beetles.'”
Going Postal
“Would you like to have dinner tonight?”
“I like to have dinner every night. With you? No. I have things to do. Thank you for asking.”
Thud!
“'Lady Sybil sighed. 'I think I shall have to have a word with Havelock about the hours he makes you keep,' she said. 'It's not doing you any good, you know.'
'It's the job, dear. Sorry.'
'It's just as well I got the cook to make up a flask of soup, then.'
'You did?'
'Of course. I know you, Sam.'”
“'And incidentally, tomato ketchup is not a vegetable,' Sybil added. 'Not even the dried stuff around the top of the bottle.'”
“Usually she got her own way and he was happy to give it to her, but the unspoken agreement was that when he really insisted, she listened.”
“Against all common sense, he agreed with Sybil. Home was where they were together.”
“”But it was a wife thing. She took such a... a pride in him. He could never work out why.”
Making Money
“'Do you have a young lady?' she asked, raising the glass.
'Yes.'
'Does she know what you're like?'
'Yes. I keep telling her.'
'Doesn't believe you, eh? Ah, such is the way of a woman in love,' sighed Mrs Lavish.
'I don't think it worries her, actually. She's not your average girl.'”
“Moist drummed his fingers on the desk. A year ago he'd asked Adora Belle Dearheart to be his wife, and she'd explained that in fact he was going to be her husband. It was going to be... well, it was going to be some time in the near future, when Mrs Dearheart finally lost patience with her daughter's busy schedule and arranged the wedding herself.”
“'I think my secretary is, uh, getting sweet on me. Well, I say secretary, she's sort of assumed that she is.'
Some fiancées would have burst into tears or shouted. Adora Belle burst out laughing.”
“'He acted as if he'd never seen a woman before!'
'He's just not used to things that don't come with a manual,' said Moist.
'Hah,' said Adora Belle. 'Why is it only men get like that?'
Earns a tiny wage working for golems, thought Moist. Puts up with graffiti and smashed windows because of golems. Camps out in wildernesses, argues with powerful men. All for golems. But he didn't say anything, because he'd read the manual.”
“'It Does Not Say Anything About Dusting Under The Floor In Lady Waggon's Book Of Household Management.'
'Gladys, a man may be dying under there!'
'I See. That Would Be Untidy.' The beams rattled under a blow. 'Lady Waggon Says That Any Bodies Found During A Week-End Party Should Be Disposed Of Discreetly, In Case Of Scandal.'”
“…the staff had realized what their ears had heard, and closed in on the couple, the women drawn to the soon-not-to-be-Miss Drapes by the legendarily high gravity of an engagement ring, while the men went from slapping Mr. Bent on the back to the unthinkable, which involved picking him up and carrying him around the room on their shoulders.”
Unseen Academicals
“'Writing a poem is often the way to the intended's heart,' said Nutt.
Trev brightened. 'Ah, I'm good with words. If I wrote 'er a letter, you could give it to 'er, right? If I write it on posh paper, something like, let's see... “I think you are really fit. How about a date? No hanky panky, I promise. Luv, Trev.” How does that sound?'
'The soul of it is pure and noble, Mister Trev. But, ah, if I could assist in some way...?'”
Nutt has written a poem for Trev to give to Juliet... “Broadly speaking, sir, it carries the message you have asked for, which is to say 'I think you're really fit. I really fancy you. Can we have a date? No hanky panky, I promise.' However, sir, since it is a love poem, I have taken the liberty of altering it slightly to carry the suggestion that if hanky or panky should appear to be welcomed by the young lady she will not find you wanting in either department.”
“'There is to be no sexual congress.'
This did not meet with the reaction he had expected.
'That means talking about it, doesn't it?' said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.
'No, that's oral sex,' said Rincewind.
'No, that's listening to it.'”
The Last Hero
“'How about Pamdar the Witch Queen?' said Evil Harry. 'Now there was--'
'Retired,' said Cohen.
'She'd never retire!'
'Got married,' Cohen insisted.
'But she was a devil woman!'
'We all get older, Harry. She runs a shop now. Pam's Pantry. Makes marmalade,' said Cohen.
'What? She used to queen it in a throne on top of a pile of skulls!'
'I didn't say it was very good marmalade.'”
Where's My Cow?
“Hooray, hooray, what a wonderful day, for I have found my cow!”
Monstrous Regiment
“His wife's long illness and Paul's long absence had taken a lot out of her father. Polly was glad some of it was being put back. The old ladies who spent their days glowering from their windows might spy and peeve and mumble, but they had been doing that for too long. No one listened any more.”
“'Sorry, what was that?' said Polly.
'Going to find my husband,' said Shufti, only a little bit louder.
'Oh, dear. How long had you been married?' said Polly, without thinking.
'...not married yet...' said Shufti, in a voice as tall as an ant.
Polly glanced down at the plumpness of Shufti. Oh, dear.”
“'There's a kind of beetle where she bites his head off right while he's exercisin' his conjugals, and that's what I call serious grief. On the other hand, from what I heard he carries on regardless, so maybe it's not the same for beetles.'”
Going Postal
“Would you like to have dinner tonight?”
“I like to have dinner every night. With you? No. I have things to do. Thank you for asking.”
Thud!
“'Lady Sybil sighed. 'I think I shall have to have a word with Havelock about the hours he makes you keep,' she said. 'It's not doing you any good, you know.'
'It's the job, dear. Sorry.'
'It's just as well I got the cook to make up a flask of soup, then.'
'You did?'
'Of course. I know you, Sam.'”
“'And incidentally, tomato ketchup is not a vegetable,' Sybil added. 'Not even the dried stuff around the top of the bottle.'”
“Usually she got her own way and he was happy to give it to her, but the unspoken agreement was that when he really insisted, she listened.”
“Against all common sense, he agreed with Sybil. Home was where they were together.”
“”But it was a wife thing. She took such a... a pride in him. He could never work out why.”
Making Money
“'Do you have a young lady?' she asked, raising the glass.
'Yes.'
'Does she know what you're like?'
'Yes. I keep telling her.'
'Doesn't believe you, eh? Ah, such is the way of a woman in love,' sighed Mrs Lavish.
'I don't think it worries her, actually. She's not your average girl.'”
“Moist drummed his fingers on the desk. A year ago he'd asked Adora Belle Dearheart to be his wife, and she'd explained that in fact he was going to be her husband. It was going to be... well, it was going to be some time in the near future, when Mrs Dearheart finally lost patience with her daughter's busy schedule and arranged the wedding herself.”
“'I think my secretary is, uh, getting sweet on me. Well, I say secretary, she's sort of assumed that she is.'
Some fiancées would have burst into tears or shouted. Adora Belle burst out laughing.”
“'He acted as if he'd never seen a woman before!'
'He's just not used to things that don't come with a manual,' said Moist.
'Hah,' said Adora Belle. 'Why is it only men get like that?'
Earns a tiny wage working for golems, thought Moist. Puts up with graffiti and smashed windows because of golems. Camps out in wildernesses, argues with powerful men. All for golems. But he didn't say anything, because he'd read the manual.”
“'It Does Not Say Anything About Dusting Under The Floor In Lady Waggon's Book Of Household Management.'
'Gladys, a man may be dying under there!'
'I See. That Would Be Untidy.' The beams rattled under a blow. 'Lady Waggon Says That Any Bodies Found During A Week-End Party Should Be Disposed Of Discreetly, In Case Of Scandal.'”
“…the staff had realized what their ears had heard, and closed in on the couple, the women drawn to the soon-not-to-be-Miss Drapes by the legendarily high gravity of an engagement ring, while the men went from slapping Mr. Bent on the back to the unthinkable, which involved picking him up and carrying him around the room on their shoulders.”
Unseen Academicals
“'Writing a poem is often the way to the intended's heart,' said Nutt.
Trev brightened. 'Ah, I'm good with words. If I wrote 'er a letter, you could give it to 'er, right? If I write it on posh paper, something like, let's see... “I think you are really fit. How about a date? No hanky panky, I promise. Luv, Trev.” How does that sound?'
'The soul of it is pure and noble, Mister Trev. But, ah, if I could assist in some way...?'”
Nutt has written a poem for Trev to give to Juliet... “Broadly speaking, sir, it carries the message you have asked for, which is to say 'I think you're really fit. I really fancy you. Can we have a date? No hanky panky, I promise.' However, sir, since it is a love poem, I have taken the liberty of altering it slightly to carry the suggestion that if hanky or panky should appear to be welcomed by the young lady she will not find you wanting in either department.”
“'There is to be no sexual congress.'
This did not meet with the reaction he had expected.
'That means talking about it, doesn't it?' said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.
'No, that's oral sex,' said Rincewind.
'No, that's listening to it.'”
The Last Hero
“'How about Pamdar the Witch Queen?' said Evil Harry. 'Now there was--'
'Retired,' said Cohen.
'She'd never retire!'
'Got married,' Cohen insisted.
'But she was a devil woman!'
'We all get older, Harry. She runs a shop now. Pam's Pantry. Makes marmalade,' said Cohen.
'What? She used to queen it in a throne on top of a pile of skulls!'
'I didn't say it was very good marmalade.'”
Where's My Cow?
“Hooray, hooray, what a wonderful day, for I have found my cow!”
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
DWQ Part 4
Part 4 of the Discworld Wedding Quotes project. This covers books 22 - 27 of the series: The Last Continent, Carpe Jugulum, Fifth Elephant, The Truth, Thief of Time, and Night Watch.
The Last Continent
“'I don't think I'm related to any apes,' said the Senior Wrangler thoughtfully. 'I mean, I'd know, wouldn't I? I'd get invited to their weddings and so on. My parents would have said something like, “Don't worry about Uncle Charlie, he's supposed to smell like that,” wouldn't they?'”
“Wizards lack the HW chromosome in their genes. Feminist researchers have isolated this as the one which allows people to see the washing-up in the sinks before the life forms growing there have actually invented the wheel.”
“'So how exactly does it work, then?' said the Senior Wrangler. 'A female baboon sees a male baboon and says, “My word, that's a very colourful bottom and no mistake, let us engage in... nuptial activity”?'
'I must say I've often wondered about that sort of thing myself,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. 'Take frogs. Now, if I was a lady frog looking for a husband, I'd want to know about, well, size of legs, competence at catching flies-'
'Length of tongue,' said Ridcully. 'Dean, will you please take something for that cough?'”
“On these occasions when he had spent some time in the intimate company of a woman, it was generally when she was trying to either cut his head off or persuade him to a course of action that would probably get someone else to do it. When it came to women he was not, as it were, capable of much fine-tuning.”
Carpe Jugulum
“'It's amazing what a wife can do if she knows her own mind, or minds in your case, course. Look at King Verence the First, for one. He used to toss all his meat bones over his shoulder until he was married and the Queen made him leave them on the side of the plate. I'd only bin married to the first Mr Ogg for a month before he was getting out of the bath if he needed to pee. You can refine a husband.'”
Magrat is teasing Nanny Ogg that Igor has a crush on her...
“'I think he's a bit of a romantic, actually,' said Magrat.
'Oh, I don't know, I really don't,' said Nanny. 'I mean, it's flattering and everything, but I really don't think I could be goin' out with a man with a limp.'
'Limp what?'
Nanny Ogg had always considered herself unshockable, but there's no such thing. Shocks can come from unexpected directions.
'I am a married woman,' said Magrat, smiling at her expression. And it felt good, just once, to place a small tintack in the path of Nanny's carefree amble through life.”
Magrat is musing on married life...
“'But now I understand what your jokes were about.'
'What, all of them?' said Nanny, like someone who'd found all the aces removed from their favourite pack of cards.
'Well, not the one about the priest, the old woman and the rhinoceros.'
'I should just about hope so!' said Nanny. 'I didn't understand that one until I was forty!'”
More vampires...
“The Countess clutched his arm. 'Oh, this does so remind me of our honeymoon,' she said. 'Don't you remember those wonderful nights in Grjsknvij?'
'Oh, fresh morning of the world indeed,' said the Count solemnly.
'Such romance... and we met such lovely people, too. Do you remember Mr and Mrs Harker?'
'Very fondly. I recall they lasted nearly all week.'”
Fifth Elephant
“A marriage is made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.”
“Sam Vimes could parallel-process. Most husbands can. They learn to follow their own line of thought while at the same time listening to what their wives say. And the listening is important, because at any time they could be challenged and must be ready to quote the last sentence in full. A vital additional skill is being able to scan the dialogue for telltale phrases, such as 'and they can deliver it tomorrow' or 'so I've invited them for dinner' or 'they can do it in blue, really quite cheaply'.”
“She was proud of Sam. He worked hard for a lot of people. He cared about people who weren't important. He always had far more to cope with than was good for him. He was the most civilized man she'd ever met. Not a gentleman, thank goodness, but a gentle man.”
“'My husband is a little unwell at the moment,' said Serafine, in the special wife voice which Vimes recognised as meaning 'He thinks he's fine right now but just you wait until I get him alone.'”
The Truth
“'You're not going to kill anyone, are you?'
'Miss, we don't do that sort of thing!'
Sacharissa looked a little disappointed. She'd been a respectable young woman for some time. In certain people, that means there's a lot of dammed-up disreputability just waiting to burst out.”
“William had never seen anyone to whom the word 'harangued' could be so justifiably applied. It meant someone who'd been talked at by Sacharissa for twenty minutes.”
Thief of Time
“Wen considered the nature of time and understood that the universe is, instant by instant, re-created anew. Therefore, he understood, there is, in truth, no Past, only a memory of the Past. Blink your eyes, and the world you see next did not exist when you closed them. Therefore, he said, the only appropriate state of the mind is surprise. The only appropriate state of the heart is joy. The sky you see now, you have never seen before. The perfect moment is now. Be glad of it.”
“'We're having rabbit,' Mrs War said. 'I'm sure I can make it stretch to three.'
War's big red face wrinkled. 'Do I like rabbit?'
'Yes, dear.'
'I thought I liked beef.'
'No, dear. Beef gives you wind.'
'Oh.' War sighed. 'Any chance of onions?'
'You don't like onions, dear.'
'I don't?'
'Because of your stomach, dear.'
'Oh.'
War smiled awkwardly at Death. 'It's rabbit,' he said.
Despite himself, Death was fascinated. He had never come across the idea of keeping your memory inside someone else's head.”
“According to the food standards of the great chocolate centres in Borogravia and Quirm, Ankh-Morpork chocolate was formally classed as 'cheese' and only escaped, through being the wrong colour, being defined as 'tile grout'.”
“Against one perfect moment, the centuries beat in vain.”
Night Watch
“'Oh dear.' The lady gave him a smile. 'You are incorruptible?'
Oh dear, here we go again, thought Vimes. Why did I wait until I was married to become strangely attractive to powerful women? Why didn't it happen to me when I was sixteen? I could have done with it then.
He tried to glare, but that probably only made it worse.”
“'You don't have to ask him, Rutherford, it's his duty to protect us,' snapped the woman who was standing beside the man with an air of proprietorship. Vimes changed his mind about the man. Yes, he had that furtive look of a timid domestic poisoner about him, the kind of man who would be appalled at the idea of divorce but would plot womanslaughter every day. And you could see why.”
“Lord Albert Selachii didn't much like parties. There was too much politics.”
“'Ah, you must be the lady from Genua,' he said, taking her hand. 'I have heard so much about you.'
'Anything good?' said Madam.
His lordship glanced across the room. His wife appeared to be deep in conversation. He knew to his cost that her wifely radar could fry an egg half a mile away. But the champagne had been good.
'Mostly expensive,' he said.”
The Last Continent
“'I don't think I'm related to any apes,' said the Senior Wrangler thoughtfully. 'I mean, I'd know, wouldn't I? I'd get invited to their weddings and so on. My parents would have said something like, “Don't worry about Uncle Charlie, he's supposed to smell like that,” wouldn't they?'”
“Wizards lack the HW chromosome in their genes. Feminist researchers have isolated this as the one which allows people to see the washing-up in the sinks before the life forms growing there have actually invented the wheel.”
“'So how exactly does it work, then?' said the Senior Wrangler. 'A female baboon sees a male baboon and says, “My word, that's a very colourful bottom and no mistake, let us engage in... nuptial activity”?'
'I must say I've often wondered about that sort of thing myself,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. 'Take frogs. Now, if I was a lady frog looking for a husband, I'd want to know about, well, size of legs, competence at catching flies-'
'Length of tongue,' said Ridcully. 'Dean, will you please take something for that cough?'”
“On these occasions when he had spent some time in the intimate company of a woman, it was generally when she was trying to either cut his head off or persuade him to a course of action that would probably get someone else to do it. When it came to women he was not, as it were, capable of much fine-tuning.”
Carpe Jugulum
“'It's amazing what a wife can do if she knows her own mind, or minds in your case, course. Look at King Verence the First, for one. He used to toss all his meat bones over his shoulder until he was married and the Queen made him leave them on the side of the plate. I'd only bin married to the first Mr Ogg for a month before he was getting out of the bath if he needed to pee. You can refine a husband.'”
Magrat is teasing Nanny Ogg that Igor has a crush on her...
“'I think he's a bit of a romantic, actually,' said Magrat.
'Oh, I don't know, I really don't,' said Nanny. 'I mean, it's flattering and everything, but I really don't think I could be goin' out with a man with a limp.'
'Limp what?'
Nanny Ogg had always considered herself unshockable, but there's no such thing. Shocks can come from unexpected directions.
'I am a married woman,' said Magrat, smiling at her expression. And it felt good, just once, to place a small tintack in the path of Nanny's carefree amble through life.”
Magrat is musing on married life...
“'But now I understand what your jokes were about.'
'What, all of them?' said Nanny, like someone who'd found all the aces removed from their favourite pack of cards.
'Well, not the one about the priest, the old woman and the rhinoceros.'
'I should just about hope so!' said Nanny. 'I didn't understand that one until I was forty!'”
More vampires...
“The Countess clutched his arm. 'Oh, this does so remind me of our honeymoon,' she said. 'Don't you remember those wonderful nights in Grjsknvij?'
'Oh, fresh morning of the world indeed,' said the Count solemnly.
'Such romance... and we met such lovely people, too. Do you remember Mr and Mrs Harker?'
'Very fondly. I recall they lasted nearly all week.'”
Fifth Elephant
“A marriage is made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.”
“Sam Vimes could parallel-process. Most husbands can. They learn to follow their own line of thought while at the same time listening to what their wives say. And the listening is important, because at any time they could be challenged and must be ready to quote the last sentence in full. A vital additional skill is being able to scan the dialogue for telltale phrases, such as 'and they can deliver it tomorrow' or 'so I've invited them for dinner' or 'they can do it in blue, really quite cheaply'.”
“She was proud of Sam. He worked hard for a lot of people. He cared about people who weren't important. He always had far more to cope with than was good for him. He was the most civilized man she'd ever met. Not a gentleman, thank goodness, but a gentle man.”
“'My husband is a little unwell at the moment,' said Serafine, in the special wife voice which Vimes recognised as meaning 'He thinks he's fine right now but just you wait until I get him alone.'”
The Truth
“'You're not going to kill anyone, are you?'
'Miss, we don't do that sort of thing!'
Sacharissa looked a little disappointed. She'd been a respectable young woman for some time. In certain people, that means there's a lot of dammed-up disreputability just waiting to burst out.”
“William had never seen anyone to whom the word 'harangued' could be so justifiably applied. It meant someone who'd been talked at by Sacharissa for twenty minutes.”
Thief of Time
“Wen considered the nature of time and understood that the universe is, instant by instant, re-created anew. Therefore, he understood, there is, in truth, no Past, only a memory of the Past. Blink your eyes, and the world you see next did not exist when you closed them. Therefore, he said, the only appropriate state of the mind is surprise. The only appropriate state of the heart is joy. The sky you see now, you have never seen before. The perfect moment is now. Be glad of it.”
“'We're having rabbit,' Mrs War said. 'I'm sure I can make it stretch to three.'
War's big red face wrinkled. 'Do I like rabbit?'
'Yes, dear.'
'I thought I liked beef.'
'No, dear. Beef gives you wind.'
'Oh.' War sighed. 'Any chance of onions?'
'You don't like onions, dear.'
'I don't?'
'Because of your stomach, dear.'
'Oh.'
War smiled awkwardly at Death. 'It's rabbit,' he said.
Despite himself, Death was fascinated. He had never come across the idea of keeping your memory inside someone else's head.”
“According to the food standards of the great chocolate centres in Borogravia and Quirm, Ankh-Morpork chocolate was formally classed as 'cheese' and only escaped, through being the wrong colour, being defined as 'tile grout'.”
“Against one perfect moment, the centuries beat in vain.”
Night Watch
“'Oh dear.' The lady gave him a smile. 'You are incorruptible?'
Oh dear, here we go again, thought Vimes. Why did I wait until I was married to become strangely attractive to powerful women? Why didn't it happen to me when I was sixteen? I could have done with it then.
He tried to glare, but that probably only made it worse.”
“'You don't have to ask him, Rutherford, it's his duty to protect us,' snapped the woman who was standing beside the man with an air of proprietorship. Vimes changed his mind about the man. Yes, he had that furtive look of a timid domestic poisoner about him, the kind of man who would be appalled at the idea of divorce but would plot womanslaughter every day. And you could see why.”
“Lord Albert Selachii didn't much like parties. There was too much politics.”
“'Ah, you must be the lady from Genua,' he said, taking her hand. 'I have heard so much about you.'
'Anything good?' said Madam.
His lordship glanced across the room. His wife appeared to be deep in conversation. He knew to his cost that her wifely radar could fry an egg half a mile away. But the champagne had been good.
'Mostly expensive,' he said.”
Monday, February 07, 2011
DWQ Part 3
Part 3 of the Discworld Wedding Quotes project. This covers books 15 - 21 of the series: Men At Arms, Soul Music, Interesting Times, Maskerade, Feet Of Clay, Hogfather, and Jingo.
Men At Arms
“Sergeant Colon had been happily married for years, perhaps because he and his wife arranged their working lives so that they only met occasionally, normally on the doorstep.”
“It takes a very special and strong-minded kind of atheist to jump up and down with their hand clasped under their other armpit and shout, 'Oh, random fluctuations in the space-time continuum!' or 'Aaargh, primitive and outmoded concept on a crutch!'”
“She vaguely suspected that Carrot was trying to court her. But, instead of the usual flowers or chocolates, he seemed to be trying to gift-wrap a city.”
“As for Gaspode, he was resigning himself to a life without love, or at least any more than the practical affection experienced so far, which had consisted of an unsuspecting chihuahua and a brief liaison with a postman's leg.”
“The service itself was going to be performed by the Dean, who had carefully made one up; there was no official civil marriage service in Ankh-Morpork, other than something approximating to 'Oh, all right then, if you really must.'”
“'And the best man?'
'What?'
'The best man. You know? He hands you the ring and has to marry the bride if you run away and so on. The Dean's been reading up on it, haven't you, Dean?'
'Oh, yes,' said the Dean, who'd spent all the previous day with Lady Deidre Waggon's Book Of Etiquette. 'She's got to marry someone once she's turned up. You can't have unmarried brides flapping around the place, being a danger to society.'”
Soul Music
Strangely, I couldn't find anything at all in Soul Music.
Interesting Times
“It was, as always, a matter of protocol. Of discretion. Of careful etiquette. Of, ultimately, alcohol. Or at least the illusion of alcohol.”
Maskerade
“Of course, it was nothing but an old superstition and belonged to the unenlightened days when 'maiden' or 'mother' or ... the other one ... encompassed every woman over the age of twelve or so, except for maybe nine months of her life. These days, any girl bright enough to count and sensible enough to take Nanny's advice could put off being at least one of them for quite some time.”
“And pretty soon now young Mildred Tinker's mother would have a quiet word with Mildred Tinker's father, and he'd have a word with his friend Thatcher and he'd have a word with his son Hob, and then there'd be a wedding, all done in a properly civilised way except for maybe a black eye or two.”
“While kissing initially seemed to have more charms than cookery, a stolid Lancre lad looking for a bride would bear in mind his father's advice that kisses eventually lost their fire but cookery tended to get even better over the years, and direct his courting to those families that clearly showed a tradition of enjoying their food.”
“Agnes's life unrolled in front of her. It didn't look as thought it were going to have many high points. But it did hold years and years of being capable and having a lovely personality. It almost certainly held chocolate rather than sex and, while Agnes was not in a position to make a direct comparison, and regardless of the fact that a bar of chocolate could be made to last all day, it did not seem a very fair exchange.”
“Nanny enjoyed music, as well. If music were the food of love, she was game for a sonata and chips at any time.”
“They say that Queen Ezeriel of Klatch had a squint, but that didn't stop her having fourteen husbands, and that was only the official score.”
Feet Of Clay
“Good old Sybil - although she did tend to talk about curtains these days, but Sergeant Colon had said this happened to wives and was a biological thing and perfectly normal.”
“Words In The Heart Can Not Be Taken”
Hogfather
I couldn't find anything wedding-related in Hogfather, but I did like this computer-related one which resonates to any computer user who has been designated as their family's tech support...
“Hex worried Ponder Stibbons. He didn't know how it worked, but everyone else assumed that he did.”
Jingo
“'You will try to look dignified, won't you?' said Lady Sybil, adjusting his cloak.
'Yes, dear.'
'What will you try to look?'
'Dignified, dear.'
'And please try to be diplomatic.'
'Yes, dear.'
'What will you try to be?'
'Diplomatic, dear.'
'You're using your “henpecked” voice, Sam.'
'Yes, dear.'
'You know that's not fair.'”
“'Sam?'
Vimes looked up from his reading.
'Your soup will be cold,' said Lady Sybil from the far end of the table. 'You've been holding that spoonful in the air for the last five minutes by the clock.'
'Sorry, dear.'
Belatedly, his nuptial radar detected a certain chilliness from the far side of the cruet.
'Is, er, there something wrong, dear?' he said.
'Can you remember when we last had dinner together, Sam?'
'Tuesday, wasn't it?'
'That was the Guild of Merchants' annual dinner, Sam.'
Vimes's brow wrinkled. 'But you were there too, weren't you?'”
Men At Arms
“Sergeant Colon had been happily married for years, perhaps because he and his wife arranged their working lives so that they only met occasionally, normally on the doorstep.”
“It takes a very special and strong-minded kind of atheist to jump up and down with their hand clasped under their other armpit and shout, 'Oh, random fluctuations in the space-time continuum!' or 'Aaargh, primitive and outmoded concept on a crutch!'”
“She vaguely suspected that Carrot was trying to court her. But, instead of the usual flowers or chocolates, he seemed to be trying to gift-wrap a city.”
“As for Gaspode, he was resigning himself to a life without love, or at least any more than the practical affection experienced so far, which had consisted of an unsuspecting chihuahua and a brief liaison with a postman's leg.”
“The service itself was going to be performed by the Dean, who had carefully made one up; there was no official civil marriage service in Ankh-Morpork, other than something approximating to 'Oh, all right then, if you really must.'”
“'And the best man?'
'What?'
'The best man. You know? He hands you the ring and has to marry the bride if you run away and so on. The Dean's been reading up on it, haven't you, Dean?'
'Oh, yes,' said the Dean, who'd spent all the previous day with Lady Deidre Waggon's Book Of Etiquette. 'She's got to marry someone once she's turned up. You can't have unmarried brides flapping around the place, being a danger to society.'”
Soul Music
Strangely, I couldn't find anything at all in Soul Music.
Interesting Times
“It was, as always, a matter of protocol. Of discretion. Of careful etiquette. Of, ultimately, alcohol. Or at least the illusion of alcohol.”
Maskerade
“Of course, it was nothing but an old superstition and belonged to the unenlightened days when 'maiden' or 'mother' or ... the other one ... encompassed every woman over the age of twelve or so, except for maybe nine months of her life. These days, any girl bright enough to count and sensible enough to take Nanny's advice could put off being at least one of them for quite some time.”
“And pretty soon now young Mildred Tinker's mother would have a quiet word with Mildred Tinker's father, and he'd have a word with his friend Thatcher and he'd have a word with his son Hob, and then there'd be a wedding, all done in a properly civilised way except for maybe a black eye or two.”
“While kissing initially seemed to have more charms than cookery, a stolid Lancre lad looking for a bride would bear in mind his father's advice that kisses eventually lost their fire but cookery tended to get even better over the years, and direct his courting to those families that clearly showed a tradition of enjoying their food.”
“Agnes's life unrolled in front of her. It didn't look as thought it were going to have many high points. But it did hold years and years of being capable and having a lovely personality. It almost certainly held chocolate rather than sex and, while Agnes was not in a position to make a direct comparison, and regardless of the fact that a bar of chocolate could be made to last all day, it did not seem a very fair exchange.”
“Nanny enjoyed music, as well. If music were the food of love, she was game for a sonata and chips at any time.”
“They say that Queen Ezeriel of Klatch had a squint, but that didn't stop her having fourteen husbands, and that was only the official score.”
Feet Of Clay
“Good old Sybil - although she did tend to talk about curtains these days, but Sergeant Colon had said this happened to wives and was a biological thing and perfectly normal.”
“Words In The Heart Can Not Be Taken”
Hogfather
I couldn't find anything wedding-related in Hogfather, but I did like this computer-related one which resonates to any computer user who has been designated as their family's tech support...
“Hex worried Ponder Stibbons. He didn't know how it worked, but everyone else assumed that he did.”
Jingo
“'You will try to look dignified, won't you?' said Lady Sybil, adjusting his cloak.
'Yes, dear.'
'What will you try to look?'
'Dignified, dear.'
'And please try to be diplomatic.'
'Yes, dear.'
'What will you try to be?'
'Diplomatic, dear.'
'You're using your “henpecked” voice, Sam.'
'Yes, dear.'
'You know that's not fair.'”
“'Sam?'
Vimes looked up from his reading.
'Your soup will be cold,' said Lady Sybil from the far end of the table. 'You've been holding that spoonful in the air for the last five minutes by the clock.'
'Sorry, dear.'
Belatedly, his nuptial radar detected a certain chilliness from the far side of the cruet.
'Is, er, there something wrong, dear?' he said.
'Can you remember when we last had dinner together, Sam?'
'Tuesday, wasn't it?'
'That was the Guild of Merchants' annual dinner, Sam.'
Vimes's brow wrinkled. 'But you were there too, weren't you?'”
Saturday, February 05, 2011
DWQ Part 2
Part 2 of the Discworld Wedding Quotes project. This covers books 11 - 14 of the series: Reaper Man, Witches Abroad, Small Gods, and the one everyone thinks of as the wedding book, Lords and Ladies.
Reaper Man
“'And you're a vampire too, Countess Notfaroutoe?' Windle Poons enquired politely.
The Countess smiled. 'My vord, yes,' she said.
'By marriage,' said Arthur.
'Can you do that? I thought you had to be bitten,' said Windle.
'I don't see why I should have to go around biting my wife after thirty years of marriage, and that's flat,' said the Count.”
“Bill Door was no good at reading faces. It was a skill he'd never needed. He stared at Miss Flitworth's frozen, worried, pleading smile like a baboon looking for meaning in the Rosetta Stone.”
For some quite complicated reasons, Death, as his alter-ego Bill Door, is taking Miss Flitworth to a dance. Not being experienced in these matters, he falls back on clichés...
“'Bill Door? You gave me quite a start-'
'I have brought you some flowers.'
She stared at the dry, dead stems.
'Also some chocolate assortment, the sort ladies like.'
She stared at the black box.
'Also here is a diamond to be friends with you.'”
Witches Abroad
“When Desiderata Hollow was a girl, her grandmother had given her four important pieces of advice to guide her young footsteps on the unexpectedly twisting pathway of life. They were:
Never trust a dog with orange eyebrows.
Always get the young man's name and address.
Never get between two mirrors.
And always wear completely clean underwear every day because you never knew when you were going to be knocked down and killed by a runaway horse and if people found you had unsatisfactory underwear on, you'd die of shame.”
“The coachmen and footmen were sitting in their shed at one side of the stable yard, eating their dinner and complaining about having to work on Dead Night. They were also engaging in the time-honoured rituals that go therewith, which largely consist of finding out what their wives have packed for them today and envying the other men whose wives obviously cared more.”
“It is a universal fact that any innocent comment made by any recently-married young member of any workforce is an instant trigger for coarse merriment among his or her older and more cynical colleagues. This happens even if everyone concerned has nine legs and lives at the bottom of an ocean of ammonia on a huge cold planet. It's just one of those things.”
Small Gods
Not strictly wedding-related, but excellent life advice.
"The Turtle Moves!"
“I. This is Not a Game.
II. Here and Now, You are Alive.”
Lords and Ladies
Sorry about all the introductions. So many of these had explanations that were several pages long and references buried in the opening sections of the book. I've done my best to condense.
King Verence has just proposed to Magrat, leaving her rather nonplussed as it was not the proposal she had hoped for...
“Perhaps that was normal. Kings were busy people. Magrat's experience of marrying them was limited.”
“'Nanny, would you like to be a bridesmaid?'
'Not really, dear. Bit old for that sort of thing.' Nanny hovered. 'There isn't anything else you need to ask me, though, is there?'
'What do you mean?'
'What with your mum being dead and you having no female relatives and everything...'
Magrat still looked puzzled.
'After the wedding, is what I'm hinting about,' said Nanny.
'Oh, that. No, most of that's being done by a caterer.'”
On the difficulties of arranging a royal wedding...
“It's different, for royalty. For one thing, you've already got everything. The traditional wedding list with the complete set of tupperware and the twelve-piece dining set looks a bit out of place when you've already got a castle...”
On the difficulties of arranging a royal wedding...
“And then there's the guest list. It's bad enough at an ordinary wedding, what with old relatives who dribble and swear, brothers who get belligerent after one drink, and various people who Aren't Talking to other people because of What They Said About Our Sharon. Royalty has to deal with entire countries who get belligerent after one drink, and entire kingdoms who have Broken Off Diplomatic Relations after what the Crown Prince Said About Our Sharon.”
Granny Weatherwax and Archchancellor Ridcully, once teenage sweethearts, meet again for the first time in decades...
“- there should have been violins. The murmur of the crowd should have faded away, and the crowd itself should have parted in a quite natural movement to leave an empty path between her and Ridcully.
There should have been violins. There should have been something.
There shouldn't have been the Librarian accidentally knuckling her on the toe on his way to the buffet, but this, in fact, there was.
She hardly noticed.”
It's the evening before her wedding, and Magrat has locked herself in her room and is refusing to talk to her groom-to-be...
“'Tell you what,' said Nanny, patting him on the back, 'you go and preside over the Entertainment and hobnob with the other nobs. I'll see to Magrat, don't you worry. I've been a bride three times, and that's only the official score.'
'Yes, but she should-'
'I think if we all go easy on the “shoulds”,' said Nanny, 'we might all make it to the wedding.'”
“Nanny Ogg was an attractive lady, which is not the same thing as being beautiful. She fascinated Casanunda. She was an incredibly comfortable person to be around, partly because she had a mind so broad it could accommodate three football fields and a bowling alley.”
Magrat tries on the wedding dress Verence has ordered for her...
“It fitted. Or rather, it didn't fit but in a flattering way. Whatever Verence had paid, it had been worth it. The dressmaker had done cunning things with the material, so that it went in where Magrat went straight up and down and billowed out where Magrat didn't.”
“'That's the thing about the future. It could turn out to be anything. And everything.'”
“Nanny said, 'Funny to think of our Magrat being married and everything.'
'What do you mean, everything?'
'Well, you know - married,' said Nanny. 'I gave her a few tips. Always wear something in bed. Keeps a man interested.'
'You always wore your hat.'
'Right.'”
“'I thought the wedding feast was very good, didn't you? And Magrat looked radiant, I thought.'
'I thought she looked hot and flustered.'
'That is radiant, with brides.'”
Reaper Man
“'And you're a vampire too, Countess Notfaroutoe?' Windle Poons enquired politely.
The Countess smiled. 'My vord, yes,' she said.
'By marriage,' said Arthur.
'Can you do that? I thought you had to be bitten,' said Windle.
'I don't see why I should have to go around biting my wife after thirty years of marriage, and that's flat,' said the Count.”
“Bill Door was no good at reading faces. It was a skill he'd never needed. He stared at Miss Flitworth's frozen, worried, pleading smile like a baboon looking for meaning in the Rosetta Stone.”
For some quite complicated reasons, Death, as his alter-ego Bill Door, is taking Miss Flitworth to a dance. Not being experienced in these matters, he falls back on clichés...
“'Bill Door? You gave me quite a start-'
'I have brought you some flowers.'
She stared at the dry, dead stems.
'Also some chocolate assortment, the sort ladies like.'
She stared at the black box.
'Also here is a diamond to be friends with you.'”
Witches Abroad
“When Desiderata Hollow was a girl, her grandmother had given her four important pieces of advice to guide her young footsteps on the unexpectedly twisting pathway of life. They were:
Never trust a dog with orange eyebrows.
Always get the young man's name and address.
Never get between two mirrors.
And always wear completely clean underwear every day because you never knew when you were going to be knocked down and killed by a runaway horse and if people found you had unsatisfactory underwear on, you'd die of shame.”
“The coachmen and footmen were sitting in their shed at one side of the stable yard, eating their dinner and complaining about having to work on Dead Night. They were also engaging in the time-honoured rituals that go therewith, which largely consist of finding out what their wives have packed for them today and envying the other men whose wives obviously cared more.”
“It is a universal fact that any innocent comment made by any recently-married young member of any workforce is an instant trigger for coarse merriment among his or her older and more cynical colleagues. This happens even if everyone concerned has nine legs and lives at the bottom of an ocean of ammonia on a huge cold planet. It's just one of those things.”
Small Gods
Not strictly wedding-related, but excellent life advice.
"The Turtle Moves!"
“I. This is Not a Game.
II. Here and Now, You are Alive.”
Lords and Ladies
Sorry about all the introductions. So many of these had explanations that were several pages long and references buried in the opening sections of the book. I've done my best to condense.
King Verence has just proposed to Magrat, leaving her rather nonplussed as it was not the proposal she had hoped for...
“Perhaps that was normal. Kings were busy people. Magrat's experience of marrying them was limited.”
“'Nanny, would you like to be a bridesmaid?'
'Not really, dear. Bit old for that sort of thing.' Nanny hovered. 'There isn't anything else you need to ask me, though, is there?'
'What do you mean?'
'What with your mum being dead and you having no female relatives and everything...'
Magrat still looked puzzled.
'After the wedding, is what I'm hinting about,' said Nanny.
'Oh, that. No, most of that's being done by a caterer.'”
On the difficulties of arranging a royal wedding...
“It's different, for royalty. For one thing, you've already got everything. The traditional wedding list with the complete set of tupperware and the twelve-piece dining set looks a bit out of place when you've already got a castle...”
On the difficulties of arranging a royal wedding...
“And then there's the guest list. It's bad enough at an ordinary wedding, what with old relatives who dribble and swear, brothers who get belligerent after one drink, and various people who Aren't Talking to other people because of What They Said About Our Sharon. Royalty has to deal with entire countries who get belligerent after one drink, and entire kingdoms who have Broken Off Diplomatic Relations after what the Crown Prince Said About Our Sharon.”
Granny Weatherwax and Archchancellor Ridcully, once teenage sweethearts, meet again for the first time in decades...
“- there should have been violins. The murmur of the crowd should have faded away, and the crowd itself should have parted in a quite natural movement to leave an empty path between her and Ridcully.
There should have been violins. There should have been something.
There shouldn't have been the Librarian accidentally knuckling her on the toe on his way to the buffet, but this, in fact, there was.
She hardly noticed.”
It's the evening before her wedding, and Magrat has locked herself in her room and is refusing to talk to her groom-to-be...
“'Tell you what,' said Nanny, patting him on the back, 'you go and preside over the Entertainment and hobnob with the other nobs. I'll see to Magrat, don't you worry. I've been a bride three times, and that's only the official score.'
'Yes, but she should-'
'I think if we all go easy on the “shoulds”,' said Nanny, 'we might all make it to the wedding.'”
“Nanny Ogg was an attractive lady, which is not the same thing as being beautiful. She fascinated Casanunda. She was an incredibly comfortable person to be around, partly because she had a mind so broad it could accommodate three football fields and a bowling alley.”
Magrat tries on the wedding dress Verence has ordered for her...
“It fitted. Or rather, it didn't fit but in a flattering way. Whatever Verence had paid, it had been worth it. The dressmaker had done cunning things with the material, so that it went in where Magrat went straight up and down and billowed out where Magrat didn't.”
“'That's the thing about the future. It could turn out to be anything. And everything.'”
“Nanny said, 'Funny to think of our Magrat being married and everything.'
'What do you mean, everything?'
'Well, you know - married,' said Nanny. 'I gave her a few tips. Always wear something in bed. Keeps a man interested.'
'You always wore your hat.'
'Right.'”
“'I thought the wedding feast was very good, didn't you? And Magrat looked radiant, I thought.'
'I thought she looked hot and flustered.'
'That is radiant, with brides.'”
Friday, February 04, 2011
DWQ Part 1
Part 1 of the Discworld Wedding Quotes project. This covers the first ten books of the series: The Colour of Magic; The Light Fantastic; Equal Rites; Mort; Sourcery; Wyrd Sisters; Pyramids; Guards! Guards!; Eric; Moving Pictures.
The Colour of Magic
“Hrun met her gaze. He thought about his life, to date. It suddenly seemed to him to have been full of long damp nights sleeping under the stars, desperate fights with trolls, city guards, countless bandits and evil priests and, on at least three occasions, actual demigods - and for what? Well, for quite a lot of treasure, he had to admit - but where had it all gone? Rescuing beleaguered maidens had a certain passing reward, but most of the time he'd finished up by setting them up in some city somewhere with a handsome dowry, because even the most agreeable ex-maiden became possessive and had scant sympathy for his efforts to rescue her sister sufferers.”
The Light Fantastic
“'What is it that you look for in a woman now?'
Cohen turned one rheumy blue eye on him.
'Patience,' he said.”
“'This is, uh, serious?' he said. 'You're really going to marry her?'
'Shure thing. Any objections?'
'Well, no, of course not, but - I mean, she's seventeen and you're, you're how can I put it, you're of the elderly persuasion.'
'Time I shettled down, you mean?'”
Equal Rites
I didn't find anything in Equal Rites. If you can, tell me!
Mort
“His mouth opened and shut. Mort wanted to say: thirdly, you're so beautiful, or at least very attractive, or anyway far more attractive than any other girl I've ever met, although admittedly I haven't met very many. From this it will be seen that Mort's innate honesty will never make him a poet; if Mort ever compared a girl to a summer's day, it would be followed by a short explanation of what day he had in mind and whether it was raining at the time. In the circumstances, it was just as well that he couldn't find his voice.”
“'Obviously we shouldn't get married, if only for the sake of the children.'”
“The Disc's greatest lovers were undoubtedly Mellius and Gretelina, whose pure, passionate and soul-searing affair would have scorched the pages of History if they had not, because of some unexplained quirk of fate, been born two hundred years apart on different continents.”
“Look, how about this? Let's pretend we've had the row and I've won. See? It saves a lot of effort.”
“'To be frank, I thought you were going to marry the princess.'
Mort blushed. 'We talked about it,' he said. 'Then we thought, just because you happen to rescue a princess, you shouldn't rush into things.'
'Very wise. Too many young women leap into the arms of the first young man to wake them after a hundred years' sleep, for example.'”
Sourcery
“'They'll throw you into a seraglio!'
Conina shrugged. 'Could be worse.'
'But it's got all these spikes and when they shut the door--' hazarded Rincewind.
'That's not a seraglio. That's an Iron Maiden. Don't you know what a seraglio is?'
'Um...'
She told him. He went crimson.”
“The world had suddenly separated into two parts - the bit which contained Nijel and Conina, and the bit which contained everything else. The air between them crackled. Probably, in their half, a distant orchestra was playing, bluebirds were tweeting, little pink clouds were barrelling through the sky, and all the other things that happen at times like this. When that sort of thing is going on, mere collapsing palaces in the next world don't stand a chance.”
Wyrd Sisters
“The best you could say for Magrat was that she was decently plain and well-scrubbed and as flat-chested as an ironing board with a couple of peas on it.”
“The Fool held his breath. On long nights on the hard flagstones he had dreamed of women like her. Although, if he really thought about it, not much like her; they were better endowed around the chest, their noses weren't so red and pointed, and their hair tended to flow more. But the Fool's libido was bright enough to tell the difference between the impossible and the conceivably attainable, and hurriedly cut in some filter circuits.”
A nervous Magrat has spent a couple of hours trying to improve her appearance...
“In a certain light and from a carefully chosen angle, Magrat was not unattractive. Whether any of these preparations did anything for her is debatable, but they did mean that a thin veneer of confidence overlaid her trembling heart.”
Pyramids
“He glanced down involuntarily and saw that every toenail was painted. He remembered Cheesewright telling them behind the stables one lunch-hour that girls who painted their toenails were... well, he couldn't quite remember now, but it had been pretty unbelievable at the time.”
“Deep in the duffel coat of his mind he hoped to one day find a nice girl who would understand the absolute importance of getting every detail right on a ceremonial six-wheeled ox-cart, and who would hold his glue-pot, and always be ready with a willing thumb whenever anything needed firm pressure until the paste dried.”
“'There you are, then. I knew the two of you would get along like a house on fire.' Screams, flames, people running for safety...”
Guards! Guards!
“'It's not that they don't like you, you're a steady lad and a fine worker, you'd make a good son-in-law. Four good sons-in-law. That's the trouble. And she's only sixty, anyway. It's not proper. It's not right.'”
“Sergeant Colon owed thirty years of happy marriage to the fact that Mrs Colon worked all day and Sergeant Colon worked all night. They communicated by means of notes. He got her tea ready before he left at night, she left his breakfast nice and hot in the oven in the mornings. They had three grown-up children, all born, Vimes had assumed, as a result of extremely persuasive handwriting.”
“This morning I went for a walk with Reet and showed her many interesting examples of the ironwork to be found in the city. She said it was very interesting. She said I was quite different to anyone she's ever met.”
“And then it struck Vimes that, in her own special category, she was quite beautiful; this was the category of all the women, in his entire life, who had ever thought he was worth smiling at. She couldn't do worse, but then, he couldn't do better. So maybe it balanced out. She wasn't getting any younger, but then, who was? And she had style and money and common-sense and self-assurance and all the things he didn't, and she had opened her heart, and if you let her she could engulf you; the woman was a city.
And eventually, under siege, you did what Ankh-Morpork had always done - unbar the gates, let the conquerors in, and make them your own.”
Eric
Eric wants to meet the Discworld equivalent of Helen of Troy. Rincewind objects...
“'Listen,' he said. 'We're in the middle of the most famously fatuous war there has ever been, any minute now thousands of warriors will be locked in mortal combat, and you want me to go and find this over-rated female and say, my friend wants to know if you'll go out with him. Well, I won't.'”
Moving Pictures
“'You know, this place looks familiar,' he said. 'We did our first click here. It's where I first met her.'
'Very romantic,' said Gaspode distantly, hurrying away with Laddie bounding happily around him. 'If something 'orrible comes out of that door, you can fink of it as Our Monster.'”
“'The boy isn't doing anything.'
'He's useless,' said the mouse.
'He's in love,' said Gaspode. 'It's very tricky.'
'Yeah, I know how it ish,' said the cat sympathetically. 'People throwing old boots and things at you.'
'Old boots?' said the mouse.
'That'sh what's always happened to me when I've been in love.'”
“She don't know what she wants. I do what she want, then she say, that not right, you a troll with no finer feelin', you do not understand what a girl wants. She say, Girl want sticky things to eat in a box with bow around, I make box with bow around, she open box, she scream, she say flayed horse not what she mean. She don't know what she wants.”
The Colour of Magic
“Hrun met her gaze. He thought about his life, to date. It suddenly seemed to him to have been full of long damp nights sleeping under the stars, desperate fights with trolls, city guards, countless bandits and evil priests and, on at least three occasions, actual demigods - and for what? Well, for quite a lot of treasure, he had to admit - but where had it all gone? Rescuing beleaguered maidens had a certain passing reward, but most of the time he'd finished up by setting them up in some city somewhere with a handsome dowry, because even the most agreeable ex-maiden became possessive and had scant sympathy for his efforts to rescue her sister sufferers.”
The Light Fantastic
“'What is it that you look for in a woman now?'
Cohen turned one rheumy blue eye on him.
'Patience,' he said.”
“'This is, uh, serious?' he said. 'You're really going to marry her?'
'Shure thing. Any objections?'
'Well, no, of course not, but - I mean, she's seventeen and you're, you're how can I put it, you're of the elderly persuasion.'
'Time I shettled down, you mean?'”
Equal Rites
I didn't find anything in Equal Rites. If you can, tell me!
Mort
“His mouth opened and shut. Mort wanted to say: thirdly, you're so beautiful, or at least very attractive, or anyway far more attractive than any other girl I've ever met, although admittedly I haven't met very many. From this it will be seen that Mort's innate honesty will never make him a poet; if Mort ever compared a girl to a summer's day, it would be followed by a short explanation of what day he had in mind and whether it was raining at the time. In the circumstances, it was just as well that he couldn't find his voice.”
“'Obviously we shouldn't get married, if only for the sake of the children.'”
“The Disc's greatest lovers were undoubtedly Mellius and Gretelina, whose pure, passionate and soul-searing affair would have scorched the pages of History if they had not, because of some unexplained quirk of fate, been born two hundred years apart on different continents.”
“Look, how about this? Let's pretend we've had the row and I've won. See? It saves a lot of effort.”
“'To be frank, I thought you were going to marry the princess.'
Mort blushed. 'We talked about it,' he said. 'Then we thought, just because you happen to rescue a princess, you shouldn't rush into things.'
'Very wise. Too many young women leap into the arms of the first young man to wake them after a hundred years' sleep, for example.'”
Sourcery
“'They'll throw you into a seraglio!'
Conina shrugged. 'Could be worse.'
'But it's got all these spikes and when they shut the door--' hazarded Rincewind.
'That's not a seraglio. That's an Iron Maiden. Don't you know what a seraglio is?'
'Um...'
She told him. He went crimson.”
“The world had suddenly separated into two parts - the bit which contained Nijel and Conina, and the bit which contained everything else. The air between them crackled. Probably, in their half, a distant orchestra was playing, bluebirds were tweeting, little pink clouds were barrelling through the sky, and all the other things that happen at times like this. When that sort of thing is going on, mere collapsing palaces in the next world don't stand a chance.”
Wyrd Sisters
“The best you could say for Magrat was that she was decently plain and well-scrubbed and as flat-chested as an ironing board with a couple of peas on it.”
“The Fool held his breath. On long nights on the hard flagstones he had dreamed of women like her. Although, if he really thought about it, not much like her; they were better endowed around the chest, their noses weren't so red and pointed, and their hair tended to flow more. But the Fool's libido was bright enough to tell the difference between the impossible and the conceivably attainable, and hurriedly cut in some filter circuits.”
A nervous Magrat has spent a couple of hours trying to improve her appearance...
“In a certain light and from a carefully chosen angle, Magrat was not unattractive. Whether any of these preparations did anything for her is debatable, but they did mean that a thin veneer of confidence overlaid her trembling heart.”
Pyramids
“He glanced down involuntarily and saw that every toenail was painted. He remembered Cheesewright telling them behind the stables one lunch-hour that girls who painted their toenails were... well, he couldn't quite remember now, but it had been pretty unbelievable at the time.”
“Deep in the duffel coat of his mind he hoped to one day find a nice girl who would understand the absolute importance of getting every detail right on a ceremonial six-wheeled ox-cart, and who would hold his glue-pot, and always be ready with a willing thumb whenever anything needed firm pressure until the paste dried.”
“'There you are, then. I knew the two of you would get along like a house on fire.' Screams, flames, people running for safety...”
Guards! Guards!
“'It's not that they don't like you, you're a steady lad and a fine worker, you'd make a good son-in-law. Four good sons-in-law. That's the trouble. And she's only sixty, anyway. It's not proper. It's not right.'”
“Sergeant Colon owed thirty years of happy marriage to the fact that Mrs Colon worked all day and Sergeant Colon worked all night. They communicated by means of notes. He got her tea ready before he left at night, she left his breakfast nice and hot in the oven in the mornings. They had three grown-up children, all born, Vimes had assumed, as a result of extremely persuasive handwriting.”
“This morning I went for a walk with Reet and showed her many interesting examples of the ironwork to be found in the city. She said it was very interesting. She said I was quite different to anyone she's ever met.”
“And then it struck Vimes that, in her own special category, she was quite beautiful; this was the category of all the women, in his entire life, who had ever thought he was worth smiling at. She couldn't do worse, but then, he couldn't do better. So maybe it balanced out. She wasn't getting any younger, but then, who was? And she had style and money and common-sense and self-assurance and all the things he didn't, and she had opened her heart, and if you let her she could engulf you; the woman was a city.
And eventually, under siege, you did what Ankh-Morpork had always done - unbar the gates, let the conquerors in, and make them your own.”
Eric
Eric wants to meet the Discworld equivalent of Helen of Troy. Rincewind objects...
“'Listen,' he said. 'We're in the middle of the most famously fatuous war there has ever been, any minute now thousands of warriors will be locked in mortal combat, and you want me to go and find this over-rated female and say, my friend wants to know if you'll go out with him. Well, I won't.'”
Moving Pictures
“'You know, this place looks familiar,' he said. 'We did our first click here. It's where I first met her.'
'Very romantic,' said Gaspode distantly, hurrying away with Laddie bounding happily around him. 'If something 'orrible comes out of that door, you can fink of it as Our Monster.'”
“'The boy isn't doing anything.'
'He's useless,' said the mouse.
'He's in love,' said Gaspode. 'It's very tricky.'
'Yeah, I know how it ish,' said the cat sympathetically. 'People throwing old boots and things at you.'
'Old boots?' said the mouse.
'That'sh what's always happened to me when I've been in love.'”
“She don't know what she wants. I do what she want, then she say, that not right, you a troll with no finer feelin', you do not understand what a girl wants. She say, Girl want sticky things to eat in a box with bow around, I make box with bow around, she open box, she scream, she say flayed horse not what she mean. She don't know what she wants.”
The Discworld Wedding Quotes Project
It's time for another wedding project!
I've been working on this one for the best part of a year. Steve and I are both Discworld fans - you can determine the point at which we moved in together by checking at which point in the series we start to only have one copy of each book in the house - and I wanted to incorporate some Pratchett into the wedding in some way.
The wedding ceremony as described in I Shall Wear Midnight seemed somewhat impractical for a person with limited mobility, and our venue probably would have had something to say about it as well, so I settled for digging up a few choice quotes about relationships.
My first stop was the internet, but googling for "discworld wedding quotes" just seemed to turn up forum after forum where brides and grooms asked if anyone knew of Discworld quotes suitable for weddings, and not much by way of answers.
So I decided to check for myself. One book at a time. Through the currently published canon of 32 Discworld Series books, 5 Discworld for Younger Readers books, and several "extras" such as The Last Hero, Nanny Ogg's Cookbook, and of course, Where's My Cow?. It took a while.
The biggest difficulty is that Pratchett is a master of extended metaphor. You find the most beautiful descriptions of love and relationships, but you also find that you'd have to copy out three sections of five pages each of backstory, most of which would be completely irrelevant text, to explain why something like "but they went the long way, and saw the elephant," is so meaningful.
Nevertheless I now have a document with some 17 pages of Discworld quotes relating to weddings, marriages, and love in various forms. I see no point in keeping this to myself when other people clearly want the information, so I will spread them over several posts and then edit this post to link back to them.
There are some books I haven't checked - the diaries, for instance - and some whose inclusion I'm still unsure about, such as Nation and Good Omens. There will also be quite a few quotes that I've missed. Please feel free to fill any gaps.
Part One
The Colour of Magic, The Light Fantastic, Equal Rites, Mort, Sourcery, Wyrd Sisters, Pyramids, Guards! Guards!, Eric, and Moving Pictures.
Part Two
Reaper Man, Witches Abroad, Small Gods, and Lords and Ladies.
Part Three
Men At Arms, Soul Music, Interesting Times, Maskerade, Feet Of Clay, Hogfather, and Jingo.
Part Four
The Last Continent, Carpe Jugulum, Fifth Elephant, The Truth, Thief of Time, and Night Watch.
Part Five
Monstrous Regiment, Going Postal, Thud!, Making Money, and Unseen Academicals, plus The Last Hero and Where's My Cow?
Part Six
The Tiffany Aching books: The Wee Free Men, A Hat Full Of Sky, Wintersmith, and I Shall Wear Midnight.
Part Seven
The Amazing Maurice (except I couldn't find anything) and Nanny Ogg's Cookbook.
I've been working on this one for the best part of a year. Steve and I are both Discworld fans - you can determine the point at which we moved in together by checking at which point in the series we start to only have one copy of each book in the house - and I wanted to incorporate some Pratchett into the wedding in some way.
The wedding ceremony as described in I Shall Wear Midnight seemed somewhat impractical for a person with limited mobility, and our venue probably would have had something to say about it as well, so I settled for digging up a few choice quotes about relationships.
My first stop was the internet, but googling for "discworld wedding quotes" just seemed to turn up forum after forum where brides and grooms asked if anyone knew of Discworld quotes suitable for weddings, and not much by way of answers.
So I decided to check for myself. One book at a time. Through the currently published canon of 32 Discworld Series books, 5 Discworld for Younger Readers books, and several "extras" such as The Last Hero, Nanny Ogg's Cookbook, and of course, Where's My Cow?. It took a while.
The biggest difficulty is that Pratchett is a master of extended metaphor. You find the most beautiful descriptions of love and relationships, but you also find that you'd have to copy out three sections of five pages each of backstory, most of which would be completely irrelevant text, to explain why something like "but they went the long way, and saw the elephant," is so meaningful.
Nevertheless I now have a document with some 17 pages of Discworld quotes relating to weddings, marriages, and love in various forms. I see no point in keeping this to myself when other people clearly want the information, so I will spread them over several posts and then edit this post to link back to them.
There are some books I haven't checked - the diaries, for instance - and some whose inclusion I'm still unsure about, such as Nation and Good Omens. There will also be quite a few quotes that I've missed. Please feel free to fill any gaps.
Part One
The Colour of Magic, The Light Fantastic, Equal Rites, Mort, Sourcery, Wyrd Sisters, Pyramids, Guards! Guards!, Eric, and Moving Pictures.
Part Two
Reaper Man, Witches Abroad, Small Gods, and Lords and Ladies.
Part Three
Men At Arms, Soul Music, Interesting Times, Maskerade, Feet Of Clay, Hogfather, and Jingo.
Part Four
The Last Continent, Carpe Jugulum, Fifth Elephant, The Truth, Thief of Time, and Night Watch.
Part Five
Monstrous Regiment, Going Postal, Thud!, Making Money, and Unseen Academicals, plus The Last Hero and Where's My Cow?
Part Six
The Tiffany Aching books: The Wee Free Men, A Hat Full Of Sky, Wintersmith, and I Shall Wear Midnight.
Part Seven
The Amazing Maurice (except I couldn't find anything) and Nanny Ogg's Cookbook.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Stunt Bride and Groom, complete
Further to my previous post, I am pleased to present the completed Stunt Bride And Groom!
I'm quite pleased with how they came out, really. I think we hit the right level of detail. For instance the Stunt Bride definitely looks like a bride, but her dress gives away only the already-known facts about my dress, namely that it is white and that it is a wedding dress without a train. I am also happy to reveal that my full-size dress is not made out of felt. We considered making the dolls hair and glasses but decided that it was better to keep it at a completely non-detailed "concept" level.
I was wrong about the jacket being the most complicated item. I'd overlooked the facts that:
The dolls both balance nicely, Stunt Bride can certainly stand up for much longer than the real bride ever can, and the arms and legs and heads are still poseable, so hopefully they will keep the photography posse amused and we'll get some good pictures.
Meanwhile the happy couple are posing together in our living room, and it's making me feel really happy to look at them.
Edit 19:50 31/01/11 to fix link.
I'm quite pleased with how they came out, really. I think we hit the right level of detail. For instance the Stunt Bride definitely looks like a bride, but her dress gives away only the already-known facts about my dress, namely that it is white and that it is a wedding dress without a train. I am also happy to reveal that my full-size dress is not made out of felt. We considered making the dolls hair and glasses but decided that it was better to keep it at a completely non-detailed "concept" level.
I was wrong about the jacket being the most complicated item. I'd overlooked the facts that:
- The jacket is open at the front, whereas every other item of clothing would ordinarily be done up with zips or buttons. Except I don't have zips and buttons that small, so the clothes that needed to be done up had to be sewn onto the dolls. This involved a lot of mattress stitch and, for Stunt Bride in particular, an undignified experience with a teaspoon up her skirt.
- The dolls have metal poles up their bottoms which rather interferes with the proper fit of trousers. I think it took me nearly as long to properly stitch what Steve refers to as the "arse-fly" as it did to do all of the leg seams. However at least Stunt Groom won't get debagged at his wedding reception.
The dolls both balance nicely, Stunt Bride can certainly stand up for much longer than the real bride ever can, and the arms and legs and heads are still poseable, so hopefully they will keep the photography posse amused and we'll get some good pictures.
Meanwhile the happy couple are posing together in our living room, and it's making me feel really happy to look at them.
Edit 19:50 31/01/11 to fix link.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Stunt Bride and Groom
I’ve been stressing out a little bit about the wedding photos. With Steve and many of his friends being keen amateur (and in some cases, semi-professional) photographers, there are going to be hundreds, if not thousands, of photos taken at the wedding.
I don’t photograph well at the best of times - I always have my eyes half-shut, I’ve got terrible skin, my posture is awful, and I’m that kind of overweight that is noticeably flabby but still too skinny (and with too small a cleavage) to be able to wear the stuff at plus-size clothing stores that makes larger people look good. Steve also has a tendency to, in his words, "look dead" in photographs. We have many strengths as a couple but conventional attractiveness is perhaps not one of them.
Over the last year I have seen many, many wedding photographs. Some have been beautiful. Others have been hideous. The ones that scare me aren't the Big Fat Gypsy Wedding ones full of orange faces and enormous pink dresses, because the people in those photos have achieved the 'look' they were aiming for and the fact that I don't find it attractive is irrelevant. No, the ones that scare me are the ones where someone has tried to achieve a look and they haven't quite managed it. Cakes that cost a fortune but look tiny and forlorn. Venue decorations that make you think the venue probably looked better without. And above all, brides and grooms looking tired and miserable.
Looking through yet another set of ugly, depressing wedding photos, I turned to Steve and asked if I could have a Stunt Bride for the piccies.
He said yes. We formulated a PLN.
For Christmas, we asked my parents for a couple of those little wooden poseable artist’s models, which we now have. One is six inches tall and the other is five and a half inches tall. These are our Stunt Bride and Groom. Stage 1 of the PLN was complete.
The next phase of the PLN is to dress them in very rough approximations of our outfits (partly because future-mother-in-law will kill us both if I reveal too many details of The Dress). I'd been planning to get cheap "Barbie and Ken wedding" dolls clothes but then I discovered that dolls are generally bigger than six inches and that dolls clothes are Not Cheap. However I used to make clothes for my dolls all the time as a kid, so I decided it would be worth a try. Discussion with knitting friends brought me to the conclusion that the best way forward would be to buy some squares of felt (soft, durable material without a distinctive grain or bias, unlikely to fray, reasonably cheap to buy in small quantities) and take it from there.
I am happy to report that I have just finished making the Stunt Groom's jacket.
This was the most complicated item and the successful completion has put me in a very positive frame of mind for the rest of the project.
We will therefore have pictures of “the bride and groom” at all areas of our wedding, with all the unique features of our wedding, having a lovely time, without a spot, scar or cellulite wobble in sight… just in case the real pictures are too awful to look at.
I shouldn’t feel this much better for such a silly solution, but I do.
I don’t photograph well at the best of times - I always have my eyes half-shut, I’ve got terrible skin, my posture is awful, and I’m that kind of overweight that is noticeably flabby but still too skinny (and with too small a cleavage) to be able to wear the stuff at plus-size clothing stores that makes larger people look good. Steve also has a tendency to, in his words, "look dead" in photographs. We have many strengths as a couple but conventional attractiveness is perhaps not one of them.
Over the last year I have seen many, many wedding photographs. Some have been beautiful. Others have been hideous. The ones that scare me aren't the Big Fat Gypsy Wedding ones full of orange faces and enormous pink dresses, because the people in those photos have achieved the 'look' they were aiming for and the fact that I don't find it attractive is irrelevant. No, the ones that scare me are the ones where someone has tried to achieve a look and they haven't quite managed it. Cakes that cost a fortune but look tiny and forlorn. Venue decorations that make you think the venue probably looked better without. And above all, brides and grooms looking tired and miserable.
Looking through yet another set of ugly, depressing wedding photos, I turned to Steve and asked if I could have a Stunt Bride for the piccies.
He said yes. We formulated a PLN.
For Christmas, we asked my parents for a couple of those little wooden poseable artist’s models, which we now have. One is six inches tall and the other is five and a half inches tall. These are our Stunt Bride and Groom. Stage 1 of the PLN was complete.
The next phase of the PLN is to dress them in very rough approximations of our outfits (partly because future-mother-in-law will kill us both if I reveal too many details of The Dress). I'd been planning to get cheap "Barbie and Ken wedding" dolls clothes but then I discovered that dolls are generally bigger than six inches and that dolls clothes are Not Cheap. However I used to make clothes for my dolls all the time as a kid, so I decided it would be worth a try. Discussion with knitting friends brought me to the conclusion that the best way forward would be to buy some squares of felt (soft, durable material without a distinctive grain or bias, unlikely to fray, reasonably cheap to buy in small quantities) and take it from there.
I am happy to report that I have just finished making the Stunt Groom's jacket.
This was the most complicated item and the successful completion has put me in a very positive frame of mind for the rest of the project.
We will therefore have pictures of “the bride and groom” at all areas of our wedding, with all the unique features of our wedding, having a lovely time, without a spot, scar or cellulite wobble in sight… just in case the real pictures are too awful to look at.
I shouldn’t feel this much better for such a silly solution, but I do.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Ugh!
Over the last few months I've been hanging around on a couple of bridal/weddingy forums.
For very good reasons, it's not the Done Thing to out and out criticise other people's wedding choices.
It's acceptable to offer constructive input when asked, and to show respectful interest in the different customs and traditions being observed. That's a good thing. When someone is trying to decide between bows and floral swags to decorate the ends of the pews in their church, it's a good time to offer any experience of those products, but it's not the time to spark a fundamentalist religious debate about whether they should be getting married in a church at all. Tolerance is important in a community and it's great that different people, in different countries, having very different weddings, can all support each other.
This, however, is not a community. This Is My Blog, just like it says at the top of the page, which means it's not inappropriate for me to voice my opinions, and this has been bubbling up inside me for months now. In the interests of civility, I must stress that I recognise that different people have different tastes and if you want any of this stuff at your wedding, you go ahead, it's your wedding. If you are planning a wedding, or you just had one, you may prefer not to read any further. This is your fair warning: you may be offended.
But at last, I must say that I find the following things hideously tacky.
Ohhhhhh, that feels better.
For very good reasons, it's not the Done Thing to out and out criticise other people's wedding choices.
It's acceptable to offer constructive input when asked, and to show respectful interest in the different customs and traditions being observed. That's a good thing. When someone is trying to decide between bows and floral swags to decorate the ends of the pews in their church, it's a good time to offer any experience of those products, but it's not the time to spark a fundamentalist religious debate about whether they should be getting married in a church at all. Tolerance is important in a community and it's great that different people, in different countries, having very different weddings, can all support each other.
This, however, is not a community. This Is My Blog, just like it says at the top of the page, which means it's not inappropriate for me to voice my opinions, and this has been bubbling up inside me for months now. In the interests of civility, I must stress that I recognise that different people have different tastes and if you want any of this stuff at your wedding, you go ahead, it's your wedding. If you are planning a wedding, or you just had one, you may prefer not to read any further. This is your fair warning: you may be offended.
But at last, I must say that I find the following things hideously tacky.
- White hoodies with diamante transfers saying “Bride” or “Maid of Honor”. (American spelling intentional.) Yes, while getting ready for your wedding it's a good idea to wear something warm and comfortable that can absorb any spills. It's good to wear something that is fully front-fastening so it can be removed without disturbing your hair and makeup. But white with diamante? My dear, you will get enough attention today once you're in the dress. Be content.
- Flip-flops with soles that print “Just” and “Married” as you walk along wet sand. My PA spotted these in a craft store and proposed them as the winner of that store's Wedding Tat collection. And believe me, they had some tat.
- Hen parties with “naughty” games and gifts. Well done, it's a (whatever) shaped like a penis. It's not comical, it's not erotic, and the faint air of desperation is unsettling. Lingerie and sex toys can be great, but I can't imagine there's anyone who's actually turned on by pink plastic fluffy handcuffs, or anything with a picture of a cat and “Sex Kitten!” emblazoned across the front.
- Music on the wedding website. Internet access has reached a point where even your parents have it, so a wedding website is no longer necessarily a celebration of self-obsession viewable only by other geeks who aren't invited to the wedding anyway. But automatically playing music is a step in the wrong direction, as are hearts falling across the screen, or anything that won't properly load onto the smartphone of a guest who's got lost on the way to the venue.
- Vistaprint overdose. On the one hand, Vistaprint do a very good line in affordable, fuss-free printing that can be invaluable for things like invitations and RSVP cards. On the other hand, just because they can put your picture on more or less anything, doesn't necessarily mean it's a good idea. The overdosing idea also applies to people who went to a venue dresser for a few flowers/balloons/table decorations, and ended up ordering a twenty-foot-tall inflatable Bride and Groom in the belief that these would somehow look appropriate outside their elegant, classy venue.
- Pretending to be something you're not. This covers people getting married in churches who don't believe in God, people getting married in libraries who don't read, people who order glass carriages and aren't princesses (Kate Middleton got that bit spot-on), and people who order fancy formal meals that they're not sure how to eat. You make some pretty hefty promises on your wedding day - make them as yourselves.
Ohhhhhh, that feels better.
Saturday, January 01, 2011
2010 - A Roundup
January
My PA having left on maternity leave in mid December, in January I began working with a new, temporary, cover PA. I had another ATOS medical examination for my DLA renewal which went about as smoothly as these things can. I gave up on the business support organisations that had been messing me about and got in contact with The Prince's Trust, who were much more positive and useful about things, and helped me to write a business plan.
February
On February 5th I took the plunge and declared my little business “open”. Obviously there was a lot still to be accomplished in terms of developing and marketing, but it meant I was able to start invoicing and earning little bits of money from clients I already knew. As if in reward for taking the plunge, I found out that following my medical I had been awarded DLA “indefinitely” which meant it would likely be several years before I had to go through the process again.
Then, just when I thought life couldn't get any better, Evilstevie whisked me away for a surprise Valentine's weekend, and pulled off the most beautiful, geeky, romantic proposal I ever could have wished for with twitter, automated computer activities, stunning scenery, photographs throughout, and a gorgeous diamond ring. I said yes.
March
Since this was not a proposal for the sake of being romantic, but a real engaged-to-be-married one, wedding planning started with looking at potential venues and crunching through lots of brochures. At the same time, with the business “open” and a business plan completed, I was able to properly apply for, and was assessed and approved to receive, practical and financial help from the Prince's Trust, as well as Access to Work support in the form of an appropriate powered wheelchair.
April
This April I got very much into an online event called Such Tweet Sorrow - Romeo and Juliet, set in the modern age, with the core characters “acting” in real time by posting tweets, blog entries, YouTube videos and other interactive media. Usually you go to a theatre and suspend disbelief for two hours, but this was five weeks of having six additional people popping up in my twitter feed at all hours of the day and night, and audience participation was encouraged and responded to in character. This meant that the fictional, scripted characters were just as “real” to me as many of the people I interact with online in my wider social circle.
Meanwhile the business was still at a stage of mostly waiting on other people, and the wedding planning was at a level of research research research.
May
As usual, May opened with Blogging Against Disablism Day. Becoming increasingly immersed in wedding planning, my post was entitled It's Not Bridezilla To Want Access and highlighted the ignorance shown to disabled brides by the wedding industry. On a happier wedding note, we picked a date and a venue.
I also went to vote - not that it's done any good - and the Such Tweet Sorrow event reached its conclusion.
June
In June the Awesome Wheelchair was delivered and the world opened up for me. Steve was taking a holiday from work and we were able to go on many days out to properly enjoy the summer sunshine, and even took a short trip back to Lowestoft to say hello to everyone there.
June also saw the beginning of an amazing government-backed propaganda campaign against disabled people which laid the groundwork for the increasingly severe cuts to essential services that have been being announced ever since.
July
In July we officially gave our notice to get married, which is an interview where they check all your documentation to make sure that you are who you say you are, and you're eligible to get married in the UK. We also booked our bouncy castle, started buying pirate accessories, and made our Save The Dates.
August
Another wedding-focused month. I learned how to make balloon swords, because we don't want any injuries from people bringing their own wooden/plastic/metal ones. I also went dress-shopping with Steve's mother, which was an accessibility nightmare but happily resulted in the purchase of a lovely dress at a reasonable price.
September
In September I decided to start working on layouts and discovered Google's SketchUp software. I got a bit carried away, which means that yes, on the one hand, we have a to-scale representation of the reception building, with the correct number of to-scale chairs and tables and other items of furniture, all based on real measurements, which can be moved around to try out lots of different ideas. On the other hand, it means I sunk several hours into it and now have what might be called an excessively accurate 3D colour model of all indoor and outdoor areas when really, a bit of graph paper and some post-it notes would have probably sufficed.
Away from the wedding front, I went to the Food Festival with my PA, and had a wonderful time browsing around and enjoying the atmosphere. And Carie knitted a baby!
October
In October the attacks on support and welfare for disabled people became even more definite in the Comprehensive Spending Review. One of the most shocking cuts being made is the withdrawal of DLA Mobility from people living in care homes. We also saw the severe restriction of the Independent Living Fund (with a view to its closure in the next few years), the restriction of contributions-based benefits to a period of one year, shuffles to Housing Benefit which will see many vulnerable people being split off from their informal support networks of friends and neighbours, and drastic cuts to local authority budgets which are having a direct impact on Social Services.
Due to my privileged position as the de facto housewife of a man who earns enough money to keep a roof over our heads, petrol in the car, and food in the cupboards, I am not as severely affected as some. However it is no exaggeration to say that my independence will be affected, and that if I was still on my own, it wouldn't be a question of independence or of quality of life - I would be struggling to survive, and many other people aren't as lucky as me.
November
In November Steve took a permanent job, as opposed to the contracting work he has been doing so far. It has been taking some adjustment to get used to, but it is in many ways a relief to have a regular and predictable income and it has enabled us to push forward with a few more aspects of the wedding planning. My maid of awesome, Jiva, came to see us for a visit and we arranged the cake, tried on the dress again, and made a bit more headway with the planning.
Every 2011 bride I know held their breath as Prince William and Kate Middleton announced their engagement. Eventually they named their day and along with many others I breathed a huge sigh of relief that it wasn't going to clash (and my phone buzzed with “thank goodness! not your date!” messages). We must feel sorry, though, for the people who had already planned to get married on 29th April, who are now wrangling with Bank Holiday issues, London transport/major event issues, and the risk of being rather dramatically upstaged.
December
Early December saw the arrival of Pip's new Littlun (actually a Littlunette) who I am looking forward to meeting at the wedding if not before. As usual, December was largely focused on steering Steve and myself through Christmas. We got off to a flying start - the cards were written and 90% of the presents wrapped before the halfway point - but then illness and weather started to interfere, with the result that our final Christmas card was only delivered on New Year's Eve and we still have a present lurking under the tree. I've also had PA problems - the young lady who went on her maternity leave last year didn't come back, but she also didn't resign or let me know what she was doing, so I'm grinding through the disciplinary process which is a whole drawn-out procedural mess of formal letters and hearings and paperwork that I could have done without. I also found myself writing a guest post for Where's the Benefit when David Cameron made his priorities clear in a sickening if predictable way.
Nevertheless it was a very enjoyable Christmas. We saw in the New Year with friends (although, unusually for us, without fireworks), and we're confident and ready for 2011.
My PA having left on maternity leave in mid December, in January I began working with a new, temporary, cover PA. I had another ATOS medical examination for my DLA renewal which went about as smoothly as these things can. I gave up on the business support organisations that had been messing me about and got in contact with The Prince's Trust, who were much more positive and useful about things, and helped me to write a business plan.
February
On February 5th I took the plunge and declared my little business “open”. Obviously there was a lot still to be accomplished in terms of developing and marketing, but it meant I was able to start invoicing and earning little bits of money from clients I already knew. As if in reward for taking the plunge, I found out that following my medical I had been awarded DLA “indefinitely” which meant it would likely be several years before I had to go through the process again.
Then, just when I thought life couldn't get any better, Evilstevie whisked me away for a surprise Valentine's weekend, and pulled off the most beautiful, geeky, romantic proposal I ever could have wished for with twitter, automated computer activities, stunning scenery, photographs throughout, and a gorgeous diamond ring. I said yes.
March
Since this was not a proposal for the sake of being romantic, but a real engaged-to-be-married one, wedding planning started with looking at potential venues and crunching through lots of brochures. At the same time, with the business “open” and a business plan completed, I was able to properly apply for, and was assessed and approved to receive, practical and financial help from the Prince's Trust, as well as Access to Work support in the form of an appropriate powered wheelchair.
April
This April I got very much into an online event called Such Tweet Sorrow - Romeo and Juliet, set in the modern age, with the core characters “acting” in real time by posting tweets, blog entries, YouTube videos and other interactive media. Usually you go to a theatre and suspend disbelief for two hours, but this was five weeks of having six additional people popping up in my twitter feed at all hours of the day and night, and audience participation was encouraged and responded to in character. This meant that the fictional, scripted characters were just as “real” to me as many of the people I interact with online in my wider social circle.
Meanwhile the business was still at a stage of mostly waiting on other people, and the wedding planning was at a level of research research research.
May
As usual, May opened with Blogging Against Disablism Day. Becoming increasingly immersed in wedding planning, my post was entitled It's Not Bridezilla To Want Access and highlighted the ignorance shown to disabled brides by the wedding industry. On a happier wedding note, we picked a date and a venue.
I also went to vote - not that it's done any good - and the Such Tweet Sorrow event reached its conclusion.
June
In June the Awesome Wheelchair was delivered and the world opened up for me. Steve was taking a holiday from work and we were able to go on many days out to properly enjoy the summer sunshine, and even took a short trip back to Lowestoft to say hello to everyone there.
June also saw the beginning of an amazing government-backed propaganda campaign against disabled people which laid the groundwork for the increasingly severe cuts to essential services that have been being announced ever since.
July
In July we officially gave our notice to get married, which is an interview where they check all your documentation to make sure that you are who you say you are, and you're eligible to get married in the UK. We also booked our bouncy castle, started buying pirate accessories, and made our Save The Dates.
August
Another wedding-focused month. I learned how to make balloon swords, because we don't want any injuries from people bringing their own wooden/plastic/metal ones. I also went dress-shopping with Steve's mother, which was an accessibility nightmare but happily resulted in the purchase of a lovely dress at a reasonable price.
September
In September I decided to start working on layouts and discovered Google's SketchUp software. I got a bit carried away, which means that yes, on the one hand, we have a to-scale representation of the reception building, with the correct number of to-scale chairs and tables and other items of furniture, all based on real measurements, which can be moved around to try out lots of different ideas. On the other hand, it means I sunk several hours into it and now have what might be called an excessively accurate 3D colour model of all indoor and outdoor areas when really, a bit of graph paper and some post-it notes would have probably sufficed.
Away from the wedding front, I went to the Food Festival with my PA, and had a wonderful time browsing around and enjoying the atmosphere. And Carie knitted a baby!
October
In October the attacks on support and welfare for disabled people became even more definite in the Comprehensive Spending Review. One of the most shocking cuts being made is the withdrawal of DLA Mobility from people living in care homes. We also saw the severe restriction of the Independent Living Fund (with a view to its closure in the next few years), the restriction of contributions-based benefits to a period of one year, shuffles to Housing Benefit which will see many vulnerable people being split off from their informal support networks of friends and neighbours, and drastic cuts to local authority budgets which are having a direct impact on Social Services.
Due to my privileged position as the de facto housewife of a man who earns enough money to keep a roof over our heads, petrol in the car, and food in the cupboards, I am not as severely affected as some. However it is no exaggeration to say that my independence will be affected, and that if I was still on my own, it wouldn't be a question of independence or of quality of life - I would be struggling to survive, and many other people aren't as lucky as me.
November
In November Steve took a permanent job, as opposed to the contracting work he has been doing so far. It has been taking some adjustment to get used to, but it is in many ways a relief to have a regular and predictable income and it has enabled us to push forward with a few more aspects of the wedding planning. My maid of awesome, Jiva, came to see us for a visit and we arranged the cake, tried on the dress again, and made a bit more headway with the planning.
Every 2011 bride I know held their breath as Prince William and Kate Middleton announced their engagement. Eventually they named their day and along with many others I breathed a huge sigh of relief that it wasn't going to clash (and my phone buzzed with “thank goodness! not your date!” messages). We must feel sorry, though, for the people who had already planned to get married on 29th April, who are now wrangling with Bank Holiday issues, London transport/major event issues, and the risk of being rather dramatically upstaged.
December
Early December saw the arrival of Pip's new Littlun (actually a Littlunette) who I am looking forward to meeting at the wedding if not before. As usual, December was largely focused on steering Steve and myself through Christmas. We got off to a flying start - the cards were written and 90% of the presents wrapped before the halfway point - but then illness and weather started to interfere, with the result that our final Christmas card was only delivered on New Year's Eve and we still have a present lurking under the tree. I've also had PA problems - the young lady who went on her maternity leave last year didn't come back, but she also didn't resign or let me know what she was doing, so I'm grinding through the disciplinary process which is a whole drawn-out procedural mess of formal letters and hearings and paperwork that I could have done without. I also found myself writing a guest post for Where's the Benefit when David Cameron made his priorities clear in a sickening if predictable way.
Nevertheless it was a very enjoyable Christmas. We saw in the New Year with friends (although, unusually for us, without fireworks), and we're confident and ready for 2011.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
The Wedding Of The Year
Please don't hate me for bringing up the Prince William/Kate Middleton/engagement thing. Yes, I know, it's already hideously overexposed. Yes, I know, you're sick of hearing about it. I'm sorry.
If it helps, this post isn't about them as such. If I wasn't in the middle of wedding planning myself, then the entirety of my response to the news of their engagement would consist of "oh, that's nice for them," and wouldn't warrant a tweet let alone a blog post.
However I have been nurturing a Bridal Brain since February, so my initial response was "oh, that's nice for them... hang on! Spring or Summer 2011?!? AIEEAAAAGH!!!" Ever since the drive home from Wales back in February, Steve and I have been planning for Spring/Summer 2011 (we've settled on a date in May) and now I am having irrational fears of our wedding being upstaged, sidelined, downplayed, faded out and all sorts of other directional diminishment.
A couple of times I very nearly tweeted "if they steal our date, I'll bloody well kill them," but recent events mean that even though I would only mean this in the figurative sense, and even though it should be apparent that someone with my physical attributes poses very little threat to a healthy Forces-trained male even without a constant bodyguard presence, it would still be a bloody stupid thing to say. So instead I went with "If they pick our wedding date, I'll... I'll... I'll be quite annoyed #IAmNotBraveEnoughToBeSpartacus" and felt like an enormous coward.
I mean, it's bad enough to end up sharing your wedding day with a major sporting event (Wimbledon, World Cup, Test Match Cricket, whatever) that your guests are going to be sneakily trying to keep track of. To clash with the hype of a major royal wedding... it doesn't bear thinking about!
The biggest problem is that, for obvious reasons, I have to spend a lot of time resting, and if I can't sleep, I tend to daydream, and my daydreams aren't always kind to me. This opened my brain to the horrific possibility that if they get married in, say, March, and they have, for the sake of argument, a pirate theme to entertain the kids who are attending, then when people come to our wedding in May and see all the pirate party bags and whatnot, then even though we bought that stuff in summer 2010, it'll look like we're trying to emulate them. Same goes for music, readings, colour schemes, dress style... it's unlikely they're going to have anything like what we've chosen, as they'll be restrained by a lot of protocol, but what if? What if our carefully planned and very personal wedding just looks like a poor imitation of the most highly publicised marriage so far this century?
I know this is irrational! I know that even if they want pirates, they won't be allowed pirates! I know none of our guests will be making comparisons! But Bridal Brain is not conducive to sane, rational thought!
.
..
...
I'll understand if anyone wants to just come back in June.
If it helps, this post isn't about them as such. If I wasn't in the middle of wedding planning myself, then the entirety of my response to the news of their engagement would consist of "oh, that's nice for them," and wouldn't warrant a tweet let alone a blog post.
However I have been nurturing a Bridal Brain since February, so my initial response was "oh, that's nice for them... hang on! Spring or Summer 2011?!? AIEEAAAAGH!!!" Ever since the drive home from Wales back in February, Steve and I have been planning for Spring/Summer 2011 (we've settled on a date in May) and now I am having irrational fears of our wedding being upstaged, sidelined, downplayed, faded out and all sorts of other directional diminishment.
A couple of times I very nearly tweeted "if they steal our date, I'll bloody well kill them," but recent events mean that even though I would only mean this in the figurative sense, and even though it should be apparent that someone with my physical attributes poses very little threat to a healthy Forces-trained male even without a constant bodyguard presence, it would still be a bloody stupid thing to say. So instead I went with "If they pick our wedding date, I'll... I'll... I'll be quite annoyed #IAmNotBraveEnoughToBeSpartacus" and felt like an enormous coward.
I mean, it's bad enough to end up sharing your wedding day with a major sporting event (Wimbledon, World Cup, Test Match Cricket, whatever) that your guests are going to be sneakily trying to keep track of. To clash with the hype of a major royal wedding... it doesn't bear thinking about!
The biggest problem is that, for obvious reasons, I have to spend a lot of time resting, and if I can't sleep, I tend to daydream, and my daydreams aren't always kind to me. This opened my brain to the horrific possibility that if they get married in, say, March, and they have, for the sake of argument, a pirate theme to entertain the kids who are attending, then when people come to our wedding in May and see all the pirate party bags and whatnot, then even though we bought that stuff in summer 2010, it'll look like we're trying to emulate them. Same goes for music, readings, colour schemes, dress style... it's unlikely they're going to have anything like what we've chosen, as they'll be restrained by a lot of protocol, but what if? What if our carefully planned and very personal wedding just looks like a poor imitation of the most highly publicised marriage so far this century?
I know this is irrational! I know that even if they want pirates, they won't be allowed pirates! I know none of our guests will be making comparisons! But Bridal Brain is not conducive to sane, rational thought!
.
..
...
I'll understand if anyone wants to just come back in June.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Save the Dates
Another task on the wedding list has been completed - most of the Save-the-Dates have been received by our guests and that means I can blog about them.
Not everyone chooses to give out Save-the-Dates but the idea behind them is pretty simple. Once the wedding was booked, we wanted to make sure our important guests knew the date and venue as soon as possible. Hopefully this means that when the date rolls around, no one has to beg off attending because they booked other plans already.
On the other hand, it's still a good ten months or so to go. Sending out the actual invitations at this stage, complete with all the information about the food, facilities, directions, accommodation, and so on, would just be a sure-fire way of making sure everybody lost that information long before the wedding - not to mention that some of the information may well be out-of-date and inaccurate in ten months' time. I don't want to be sending out the formal invites until two months before the wedding, at the earliest.
Save-the-Dates bridge the gap nicely. They get tucked into the diary or stuck to the fridge in a way that is much more noticeable than a spoken reminder during conversation. They're usually postcard or business-card sized, and there's a bit of a fashion at the moment for them to be magnetic. I hopped on Vistaprint and found that magnetic business-card-sized Save-the-Dates, with a standard design and our text, would cost £5.49 for 25 - so including P&P, we'd probably be looking at just under £15. I picked out what I considered to be the three least-offensive designs and asked Steve what he thought.
He was not impressed. Even when persuaded that they were a good idea, he wanted something more "us". One thing led to another and soon I was busy googling to see if it was possible to buy or make personalised “magnetic poetry”.
Turns out it’s very possible. Magnetic paper suitable for use in a home inkjet printer costs £2.65 for a pack of 5 sheets. I ordered two packs - I can't see how having some spare magnetic paper will ever be a bad thing. While I was at it, I also ordered some little ziplock baggies to keep all the bits in, which was £1.60 for 100. Much more cost-effective than ordering ready-made cards!
While waiting for these items to be delivered, I flexed my mild obsession with spreadsheets:
Handily, since my Guest List spreadsheet is one line per household, it was easy to know exactly how many lines to 'Fill Down' with the words. I was very lucky - our number of words and number of guests enabled me to fit the whole thing onto two A4 sheets. I did do a couple of extra lines as spares, but on the whole there was no wastage. It helped not having to order in multiples of 25 as well - we have more than 25 households to invite, but less than 50, and I'm not sure what I could have usefully done with the dozen or so spare cards.
A few days later all the bits arrived, and joy of joys, the magnetic paper printed perfectly, so it was off to Staples for the rest of the necessities. These consisted of a trimmer to cut the paper (£3.95), some plain, recycled wage envelopes (£4 for 50), and some decorative pirate and monkey stickers (99p per pack). We'd have needed envelopes and stickers for the factory-made cards anyway, so I'm not really counting those when comparing the prices.
I first cut the pages into strips with each strip containing one of each word. Then for each envelope, Steve and I selected a Page 1 strip and a Page 2 strip and placed them in the individual baggies as we sliced them into individual words. This was a lot easier than cutting all the words up and then trying to make sure that everyone got one of each.
(As a minor piece of added evil, each packet included one SuperFunBonus word like "wedding", "flowers", or "celebrate". Yes, we did drive several people bananas as they tried to figure out where that word was supposed to fit. Bwahahahaha!)
An example of the finished article:
And the neatly decorated envelopes:
For guests who have trouble with their hands and may prefer to not mess about with fiddly magnetic pieces, we did another magnet sheet with half a dozen nice, plain, square, one-piece notes. We also stuck a little piece of ordinary paper in the envelopes for families with children, explaining about the pirate-themed kids' entertainment we are planning and encouraging them NOT to invest in child-sized formalwear.
Steve has been writing extra words on the offcuts and the message on our fridge seems to change every couple of days. It's sort of sweet.
If I was doing this again, I would probably try and find slightly thicker magnetic paper - ours was 650 GSM and although it works, it doesn't have quite the same feel as normal magnetic poetry pieces. I would also try and draw (or get drawn for me) a cute little picture or cartoon, as having just text sometimes seemed a little sparse - having a single bigger section to pull it all together would have been nice.
All in all, it was a fun and affordable project and we've had a lot of good feedback (most frequently "even if it hadn't had the names in, I'd have known it was from you two," which we are both taking as a compliment). It's also interesting to see the different layouts that different people have been using when assembling the words. Transferring that responsibility to each guest has meant no etiquette agonising about whose name should go first or in what order the information should be presented.
Not everyone chooses to give out Save-the-Dates but the idea behind them is pretty simple. Once the wedding was booked, we wanted to make sure our important guests knew the date and venue as soon as possible. Hopefully this means that when the date rolls around, no one has to beg off attending because they booked other plans already.
On the other hand, it's still a good ten months or so to go. Sending out the actual invitations at this stage, complete with all the information about the food, facilities, directions, accommodation, and so on, would just be a sure-fire way of making sure everybody lost that information long before the wedding - not to mention that some of the information may well be out-of-date and inaccurate in ten months' time. I don't want to be sending out the formal invites until two months before the wedding, at the earliest.
Save-the-Dates bridge the gap nicely. They get tucked into the diary or stuck to the fridge in a way that is much more noticeable than a spoken reminder during conversation. They're usually postcard or business-card sized, and there's a bit of a fashion at the moment for them to be magnetic. I hopped on Vistaprint and found that magnetic business-card-sized Save-the-Dates, with a standard design and our text, would cost £5.49 for 25 - so including P&P, we'd probably be looking at just under £15. I picked out what I considered to be the three least-offensive designs and asked Steve what he thought.
He was not impressed. Even when persuaded that they were a good idea, he wanted something more "us". One thing led to another and soon I was busy googling to see if it was possible to buy or make personalised “magnetic poetry”.
Turns out it’s very possible. Magnetic paper suitable for use in a home inkjet printer costs £2.65 for a pack of 5 sheets. I ordered two packs - I can't see how having some spare magnetic paper will ever be a bad thing. While I was at it, I also ordered some little ziplock baggies to keep all the bits in, which was £1.60 for 100. Much more cost-effective than ordering ready-made cards!
While waiting for these items to be delivered, I flexed my mild obsession with spreadsheets:
Handily, since my Guest List spreadsheet is one line per household, it was easy to know exactly how many lines to 'Fill Down' with the words. I was very lucky - our number of words and number of guests enabled me to fit the whole thing onto two A4 sheets. I did do a couple of extra lines as spares, but on the whole there was no wastage. It helped not having to order in multiples of 25 as well - we have more than 25 households to invite, but less than 50, and I'm not sure what I could have usefully done with the dozen or so spare cards.
A few days later all the bits arrived, and joy of joys, the magnetic paper printed perfectly, so it was off to Staples for the rest of the necessities. These consisted of a trimmer to cut the paper (£3.95), some plain, recycled wage envelopes (£4 for 50), and some decorative pirate and monkey stickers (99p per pack). We'd have needed envelopes and stickers for the factory-made cards anyway, so I'm not really counting those when comparing the prices.
I first cut the pages into strips with each strip containing one of each word. Then for each envelope, Steve and I selected a Page 1 strip and a Page 2 strip and placed them in the individual baggies as we sliced them into individual words. This was a lot easier than cutting all the words up and then trying to make sure that everyone got one of each.
(As a minor piece of added evil, each packet included one SuperFunBonus word like "wedding", "flowers", or "celebrate". Yes, we did drive several people bananas as they tried to figure out where that word was supposed to fit. Bwahahahaha!)
An example of the finished article:
And the neatly decorated envelopes:
For guests who have trouble with their hands and may prefer to not mess about with fiddly magnetic pieces, we did another magnet sheet with half a dozen nice, plain, square, one-piece notes. We also stuck a little piece of ordinary paper in the envelopes for families with children, explaining about the pirate-themed kids' entertainment we are planning and encouraging them NOT to invest in child-sized formalwear.
Steve has been writing extra words on the offcuts and the message on our fridge seems to change every couple of days. It's sort of sweet.
If I was doing this again, I would probably try and find slightly thicker magnetic paper - ours was 650 GSM and although it works, it doesn't have quite the same feel as normal magnetic poetry pieces. I would also try and draw (or get drawn for me) a cute little picture or cartoon, as having just text sometimes seemed a little sparse - having a single bigger section to pull it all together would have been nice.
All in all, it was a fun and affordable project and we've had a lot of good feedback (most frequently "even if it hadn't had the names in, I'd have known it was from you two," which we are both taking as a compliment). It's also interesting to see the different layouts that different people have been using when assembling the words. Transferring that responsibility to each guest has meant no etiquette agonising about whose name should go first or in what order the information should be presented.
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