Thursday, June 22, 2006

Moving Forwards

Steve and I have been talking and we've identified that I seem to be going through a patch of depression this month. I know it's true. I'm crying every day and I'm taking the tiniest comments out of all proportion and getting upset about them.

An example would be yesterday, I was on the phone to Pip, and he asked if Steve and I had set a date for me moving up here permanently. Happy Well-Balanced Mary would have taken that at face value and said "I don't know, but you're not rid of me just yet!" Depressed Mary, on the other hand, stammered out an "I don't know" and then spent some time regaling the ever-suffering Steve with theories about how Pip didn't like her any more and couldn't wait to be rid of her and so on and so on and so on...

Why am I depressed?

I don't know. I've got everything to be happy about. Loving boyfriend, sorted-out benefits situation, stable medications, enough to eat, everything I need really... But I keep wanting more. I want to be better, I want to be not in pain, I want to have a part-time job and money I earn, I want lots of friends I can go and have a cup of tea with.

I want lots of things!

What can I do about it?

I also don't know.

While Steve was out earlier, he went to Leamington Shopmobility and got some leaflets and information. It's possible to rent mobility scooters from them by the week, so we're thinking that we might give that a go, see how much real difference it makes and which sort works best for me and how much more freedom it gives me here. I also want to go to a local ME support group up here to see what other people have in place. I'd like to have a social worker, and join a club, maybe an art group or something, or try to do a one-hour-a-week college course, but I can't do any of those things while I'm spending *most* of my time at home but a fair chunk of time up here, with a view to moving up here as soon as Steve feels ready.

For now, I'm just happy that Steve and I are cuddling each other and trying to think about how we can sort stuff out. Talking and identifying problems and trying to sort them out, rather than dwelling on them until they become huge.

Also we had a lovely late lunch of a picnic in the garden, and then we napped, and then we weren't hungry for any dinner so I had a cream apple turnover for supper. Life seems better already.


aibee said...

I haven't got anything to add to what you already know. That is, it will lift, this depression you're feeling, just give it, and yourself, time.

Be as gentle with yourself, as loving and patient, as you are to those around you.

I wonder if you're feeling this way because you do have dreams - which makes you a perfectly normal human being- but for now, you're in the white space between dreaming and knowing how to plan to make them come true?

Anonymous said...

From my experiences of depression (never suffered it myself but watched as others battled) asking yourself why your depressed won't help, you'll just get more depressed if you come up with no answers. Everyone goes through a patch of depression, it used to be called the blues...hell it even spawned a music genre. Also being turned down by your local PCT for a date with Johnny Depp, that's enough to make any sane girl depressed :)

Mary said...

Thanks... but the big thing about depression, or anything to do with the mind, is that is takes different people different ways. For me, trying to look at it objectively is what works - it saw me through after the crap with my dad, it saw me through after the rape, it'll see me through many things yet :)